An Echo of Eternity Laced In Elation and Pain

I see the milky streams and rivers flow through the air lit by the moon's pale stare, reflecting the warm chill down onto my skin. Auburn curls lace my vision. Your silent reverie of breath is caught by my embrace. As though time crawls on, a still image of the reflecting glimmer of waves rolls through the bleary eye of slumber, held fast by your warmth. A slight shudder rocks me back to life, and I feel the tears stain my skin. The scent of tears and skin perfumes my mind. I remember a time when my shirt was stained and pulled tight around me because you never wanted to let go....

White lights, smiling faces, and laughter.

Shotgun blasts and grass, your face is lit by colors of life, shattering the still black of night. The murmur of the world is lost by the clutch of our embodiment on the earth. Auburn curls fill my vision. Crisp grass, air, and your love fill my senses. I inhale.

The smile. I can feel myself giving in. My body has no strength, like an army or 1000 men. It gives me purpose.


Rewind, and play.
Ok, so I had this all like planned out, and I go to write it, and I realize I cant, because half of my planning was on memory and sights, and believe me, words cant express what I felt/saw. Most of you will be able to figure out what it is.
I cant even express what I want to. Dammit. So much emotion. Anyways, seeing as I'm in a total emo mood, Have a pleasant evening.

Best Friends Can Be Bastards

So I get home after doing something yesterday, of which I can't remember what I was doing...but oh well. Bro was online, and he's like dude, download this some Dry Your Eyes by the Streets, and check out the lyrics. And as much as I appreciate his standpoint and the whole attempt to semi cheer me up, it really didnt work. Its a solid song, like he said, but I almost cried listening to it. Download it anyone who cares, if not, the lyrics are as follows:


In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin’ straight into the ground
Lookin’ to the left slightly, then lookin’ back down
World feels like it’s caved in – proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she’s lookin’ straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she’s lookin’ down at her feet

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin’, my life is crashin’ before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
‘Cause I can’t imagine my life without you and me
There’s things I can’t imagine doin’, things I can’t imagine seein’
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she’s blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin’ my hand away to my chest, from hers

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

And I’m just standin’ there, I can’t say a word
‘Cause everythin’s just gone
I’ve got nothin’
Absolutely nothin’

Tryin’ to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin’ to change what she’s sayin’
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again I’m not gonna f***in’, just f***in’ leave it all now
‘Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you’re gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You’re well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she’s now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

I know in the past I’ve found it hard to say
Tellin’ you things, but not tellin’ straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now


So thems the lyrics. Its a solid song, but Bro, damn you. But, I can't. Im not gonna completely leave it. Will I try to look other ways? Yes, but lately Ive found it doesnt matter where I look, there just isnt that....something that attracts me. No girl I see has it, and Im sure as hell not lookin to the guys. So, back to being an emo bitch, I will dry my eyes, but I will not walk away.

Onto things more relevant to daily life, it was so effin busy at work last night I almost died. I work at a Pizza 73 in town, and we typically average about 150 orders a night. Last night we hit 270. Stupid Mardi Gras weekend at the bars. I was so tired when I got home, 5am, I passed out, didnt move till 4:30 pm. And I'm probably going to get in shit at work tonight, because my boss specifically said "don't leave any pans left for me to clean in the morning", but last nights supervisor said to leave them, so I did. I'll get in shit. Ah well, as long as Im not fired. Well, I'm off in an attempt to have a life. Good Day, and fuck you.

Throttle On With a Kick to the Stomach

Good times had by all, until the end. So I go to school today, my class was cancelled, professor was in a car accident, but she'll be ok. So I finished my assignment, handed it in, went to the gym and spent to hours sweating my balls off. It was a good time, I'll be feeling todays workout until monday's. Then I dropped of my buddy, and went to visit a friend at Blockbuster, so I'm chillin in blockbuster, smiling, laughing my ass off, falling off carts, etc. and she walks past outside. M'Lady. One look, and I damn. near. cried. I was like "ouch.....I gotta go" Funny how somethings can be the smallest thing, and trigger the worst reaction. I suddenly have an overbearing urge to completely destroy something. I hope it isn't myself. *sigh* maybe I should go visit Blockbuster again......at least then I'll have someone to keep my mind off it. and for some reason today's typing just isn't getting it out....bah, forget this, another day.

The Lonely Stargazer

Well, one of my biggest dreams is to be able to have a crisp, dead calm, clear night, take the lady I love out somewhere in the middle of nowhere, and just cuddle and stargaze. Lame to some, good times to me. So tonight was like, the eighth night in two weeks where the conditions have been utter perfection, and it drives me insane. So I wrote a great cheesy emo bitch style poem about it.

For a night to lie,
side by side,
I look at the sky,
and I sigh

A night to try
reconcilation by,
lying side by side,
to look at the sky

stars can weep,
while time can creep,
I refuse to sleep
and I sigh

a night to lie,
side by side
to look at the sky
and I cry,
and I cry.

Hurrah for emo and lonliness eh? Anyways, one of my shortest posts comes to a close at 3:15am. Good day, and fuck you.

An Explanation of Sorts, Or A Reality Check

Alright, most people who may be reading this blog on a regular basis, or ever at all, must think Im a hopeless lump bent on one girl. Which is true, to an extent, however, I'm not above looking in other directions for possible interests. Lately my mind has started to lose some of the heavier impact of the lady in my mind, and I go back to many of my prior thoughts. I'd mentioned in a prior post that I was thinking about how many people I may meet in the afterlife that I'd forgotten about during my life, and how the reunions may be. It may seem a little farfetched, but I like the thought train. A small insight into my intelligence for people, I have 2 modes of thought, A) so simple its painful, as in 1+1 = 2 type simple, or B) so incredibly complex I usually can't finish the thought. There doesnt seem to be a middle ground. Put math, english, etc in from of me, I'll fail so hard its pathetic, put chemistry, philosophy, psychology, such of that sort? Aced. I'll argue the damn professors into the ground. Philosophic and theological debates and comparisons often fascinate me. Two conversations I remember in particular. One with my father, we had just watched "Bi-Centennial Man" with Robin Williams (an excellent but very sad movie), and we had a discussion that followed (which you'll only understand why if you've seen the movie) about whether or not, if in the event we do ever create a proper A.I., and it does acheive self awareness, and it wanted to be human; if it worked so hard, that it created a way to even die, will God grant that robot a soul? Because certain religious teachings state that nothing man made can have a soul, its not God's will, but in this event, we never created it to be human, it strived for it itself, and what about souls from beings like children who died before birth, or children killed in war, or disabled people, will God grant them another chance? Which just occured to me this opens up a whole new door towards the idea or reincarnation, which some people heavily believe in, and base their entire lives building karma, so to ensure a good next life. But I digress. See how my mind can trail off? When you start to loop these ideas back and forth so they connect, it gets REALLY hard to follow. Even written down. Maybe I'll draw up a chart sometime....another digression. dammit. The other conversation I like to remember, or try to at least, took place after about 5 beer, so I wasnt drunk, just a little tipsy, and I was playing Tony Hawk 2. My roommate at the time Diddy had about 10 beer, and we started to argue about the big bang theory versus the creation-by-superior-being theory. Now what confuses me, is that no matter how I try, I cannot remember the result, or how it came to this part of the conversation. We ended up discussing religious choice and adverse effect it has on the physics of the universe. Thats right, Universal Physics and their Relation to Religious Belief, Theory, and Choices. I know we somehow had a workable solution, but I almost think there was divine intervention (maybe we'd struck on something), because while we both remember the entire night (I even remember all the tony hawk levels), we dont remember a thing about the conversation path and result. Grr. Diddy, Bro and I also had a conversation about time travel and how its theoretically acheived once. I was reading in a Popular Science, so we started to talk about it, and I dont believe its possible, because the theory goes, if you can poke a hole in the universe, its like poking into fabric, it stretches around the compression point, and eventually tears, which is what we call a black hole. Now, theory goes that if a black hole of equal size was created on the OTHER side, or in a relative dimension, it could create a tunnel or "wormhole"in which we could travel through. See, scientists think time stretches with space when the black holes or "stretch" areas are created. I think its bullshit. all the compression and space movement and change are a physical thing, and time is not physical. its supernatural. We can't control the flow of time, only create manmade increments to measure it by, and therefore we're only changing our own increments to follow our traveling theories. Agh, I'm going to go off on this if I dont stop now. I need to read up more on it anyways.

So anyways, I think in due time you'll come to see I'm really not a completely smitten love buffoon, I just enjoy it. I am however, a relatively intelligent guy, I just try not to use it. too much. Its 5 in the morning, I need to sleep. Good Day all, fuck you, and well, yeah, I hope you enjoyed a look into the mind of an aspiring freak. :)

I'm Not Sure....

Another starry night,
and you're not here,
by my side to light
the dark I fear.

Another starless night
You've gone away
I need something bright
Please wont you stay

Another starry night
That I cant share
Your beauty is a sight
I dream of your stare

Starlight star bright,
so many stars I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have you in my arms tonight.

I've Hit a Down Plateau

So I was listening to music tonight, wondering about all the people we may meet in heaven that we've forgotten about over the years, and how the reunions would be, when my firecracker came on the playlist. Matchbox Romance - Tiger Lily. This song always makes a gap appear in my soul. I'm crying, again. I wonder to myself, what was the trigger, what really made her change? From my standpoint at least she seemed pretty damn happy when we were together. I think I need to talk to her about it. I hate confrontations. They're so damn hard. I almost guarantee I'll choke up a few times. Thats if I dont just break. Y'know one of the last things she said before leaving was "why cant we stop time?". As far as I know, thats a fair indication she was happy. I would kill to be able to have that back. I wonder, am I being over selfish about it? I want her to be happy, and truely such, but wasnt she? What is happiness, and how is it defined in each of us, is there something we need to acheive, something different for everyone that will really bring it out? Even my parents almost understand what I lost. My mother came down to me one day, she said "I know you dont think we understand, but we do, we know the look in your eyes, and we saw how happy she really made you, and we're sorry". Parents are a hell of an anti-drug. For all those who think their parents can never understand, your right, to an extent. No one can understand except God, because no one else has been in your exact shoes, but our parents have been through some pretty heavy shit, so listen to them. My father gave me some exceptional advice, dont expect what was there, it may be truely gone, but dont give up on her, at least keep a friend. I'll do my damndest (sp). Anyways, I have a headache that could level a minotaur, so Im going to bed. Good night.

A Harder Time Than Most

Well, inbetween eating pizza from work and playing Puzzle Bobble in my bored stupor, tonight is one of the harder nights I'm living. Music: Lifehouse - Take Me Away. (and Im feeling it hardcore). I was thinking about M'lady today...I almost cried on about 7 different occasions. I decided I'm going to finish writing a song I started writing while I was with her. I've decided to title it "The Smile of an Angel". More or less speaks for itself.

High above or far beyond,
I see you there within our bond
Who knew it could be you
Hidden beauty oh true.

Who knew the smile of an angel could make me cry?
The voice from a choir of divinity.
The wider it gets the weaker I am
Stronger than a Gods can be.

Well, theres a small start to it, I guarantee I wont like part of it tomorrow and I'll change it, plus its subject to affectation from the tune on the guitar. Affectation...I think thats the right word...hmm. Anyways, its ten to three in the morning, I should go sleep before I have classes. Good day, and M'lady, I still love you.

Mediocre Assignments and A Surprising Twist

So here's my newest twist to the rant page, school assignments. One of my classes is based on styles of "communication", and that particular professor has taught me before and apparently enjoys my rants. So I got permission to post my assignments on here for her. If it bothers anyone reading it, go to hell. By the way, for my prof, (who for anonymity's sake will be known as "T.D"), there will probably be some foul language. Be forewarned. Off we go.

Mood? Mellow and intuitive, I cant sleep.
Music? Sarah McLachlan - I love you.
Train of thought? Andrea, go figure, but I'll get to my assignment.

New song, Seether - Broken (fuck Amy Lee, she's hot but she butchered the remix). Alright then. So an assignment to do personality tests online and see where we lie in the spectrum. Now generally speaking I wouldnt have even done the tests, they're usually a mile off anyways, but I was bored, so I figured why the hell not. Anyways. I take the first one, a "Jung Typology" test. I found alot of the questions incredibly repetitive, just worded different, and ironically, I found myself answering differently due to different wordings. Just goes to show, situation DOES matter. (Vertical Horizon - Best I Ever Had). Now my result came out to "INFP", meaning I'm supposed to be Introverted iNtuitive Feeling and Perceiving. (dont ask why its not IIFP, it was bugging me earlier too). The description of an INFP was portray in a really interesting manner. Before actually stating what INFP was, it uses alot of quotes and poems to show an idea an INFP person might show, and then compared with multiple fictional and real life INFP people. My particular favorites being Homer (ancient greece), and Calvin (Calvin & Hobbes). (System of a Down - Dammit - Blink 182 cover) The reason these are my favorites, Homer because I have an innate fascination with mythology, Celtic and Greek being my favorites. Calvin being a favorite because 1) he's the coolest cartoon EVER, 2) he makes me laugh to no end, and 3) he does promote some incredibly complex views on world and life situations that unless you're looking for, you wont find. So I was rather amused to find that 2 of my favorite people were also INFP's, which might explain why I like them so much. Now, listening to classical opera, I'm going to pick apart the functional analysis paragraph by paragraph. I'll put -> in front of the actual analysis info. yay.

-> INFPs live primarily in a rich inner world of introverted Feeling. Being
->inward-turning, the natural attraction is away from world and toward
->essence and ideal. This introversion of dominant Feeling, receiving its data
->from extraverted intuition, must be the source of the quixotic nature of these
->usually gentle beings. Feeling is caught in the approach- avoidance bind
->between concern both for people and for All Creatures Great and Small, and a
->psycho-magnetic repulsion from the same. The "object," be it homo sapiens
->or a mere representation of an organism, is valued only to the degree that the ->object contains some measure of the inner Essence or greater Good. Doing a
->good deed, for example, may provide intrinsic satisfaction which is only
->secondary to the greater good of striking a blow against Man's Inhumanity to
->Mankind.

Ok, the key to this passage I find is in the word 'feelings'. Yes, I'll admit, my emotions and feelings get the best of me, and they run how I act. The passage seems to push alot towards a Superior Being type of ideal, and its possible, the last line accentuates my own particular feelings, if I can make someone happy, it doesnt matter what happens to me. next passage.

->Extraverted intuition faces outward, greeting the world on behalf of Feeling.
->What the observer usually sees is creativity with implied good will. Intuition
->spawns this type's philosophical bent and strengthens pattern perception. It
->combines as auxiliary with introverted Feeling and gives rise to unusual skill
->in both character development and fluency with language--a sound basis for
->the development of literary facility. If INTPs aspire to word mechanics, INFPs
->would be verbal artists.

This passage says alot about me, which is surprising. I love to use creativity in acts of good will, especially where women are concerned. I call it my excessive dork-titude. I'm the kind of guy who would show up for no reason and give a lady flowers, just to see her smile. Ironically enough, it does tend to lend unsual skill and fluidity of language. While under heavy emotional sense I can write to no end, which if you've read the rest of this rant page, you'd already realize. And in looking at Calvin, he is quite the linguist. in the episodes when they wander by the creek or ride the sled or wagon, they often have very deep thoughts and "conversations". I have more on my mind but I cant think how to word it. Next passage.

->Sensing is introverted and often invisible. This stealth function in the third
->position gives INFPs a natural inclination toward absent- mindedness and
->other-worldliness, however, Feeling's strong people awareness provides a
->balancing, mitigating effect. This introverted Sensing is somewhat
->categorical, a subdued version of SJ sensing. In the third position, however, it ->is easily overridden by the stronger functions.

Heh.....interesting the first bit to stand out is "absent mindedness and other-worldliness". I am quite the dreamer. I have a personal issue with other people feelings, I tend to need them to be happy. I can't stand an unended or uneasy balance in a conflicting situation. I tend to know when someone isnt so happy, even just by a slight edge in their voice. Also strangely accurate, under heavy emotion this all becomes null and void, and only that emotion remains.

The next passage basically reiterates what I've already said and then compares it to other possible people styles (ie. ENFP), so I really dont need to bother picking it apart. T.D I know this is long, but you wanted journalistic entries, and when I write, I write alot.

Now onto the other test we were supposed to take, I'm not sure of the name, I believe it was the "Temperament" test, or some shit like that. My result came out as an Idealist, which is partially true, but in a strange sense I would think I'm more of a realist. Ok, hold up, its 4:30 in the goddamn morning, and I have an 8:00 class. I need a power nap. I shall finish this tomorrow. maybe.

Alrighty then, 2 days later. Lets get on with this shall we?

New mood, new tunes.

Mood: Content
Music: Heiroglyphics - Soweto

Alrighty. Well I'm not going to bother posting the other test result, it was long winded I found, very. Alright I was going to post a couple Calvin cartoons, but I'm too lazy to scan them in, therefore, forget it. (Less than Jake - Dopeman). I really lost my train of thought. Alright T.D, this has been, your entry you wanted. Good day.

A Time to Live And a Time to Die...

I really should be typing out my assignment thats due at noon, but I cant seem to think of any ideas that trigger it. So instead I'm listening to overly depressing music, reminiscing about M'Lady and things I could have done differently in my life. Pointless I know, Im the first to say don't live in the past, it never fixes anything. Its funny, I dont know if anyone else out there does this, but I find myself talking to myself on a regular basis, acting out past discussions, or discussions I wish would happen. Sad really, I know I cant plan these things, and thats even if I have the guts to go and start the conversations. Do you believe in fate? Soul mates? That One True? I do, but not in the sense that some people see them in. I find for that One True, a soul mate, it may not really be ONE person, but its who you make of yourself and who you see in that person, we choose our one true. Its all part of the Big Guy in the Sky's plan, we have to make the choices that get us places. I might get a little religious in this post, for those of you who may not like it, move on to the next, if there happens to be one. Fate is an interesting idea. I believe it closely resides along the ideas of the soul mates. To me we all have a fate, which is to choose. Just Choose. A simple concept, but its the one thing that can make or break a person, physically, mentally, spiritually, in any way. God knows all our paths. Here's where my theory gets a little hard to understand, because I can't begin to comprehend God's mind. He knows all our fates. He knows everything that CAN happen, following each choice. He knows what choices we'll have to make, as a product of other choices. The hard part to know, is whether he knows which choices will WILL make. I think He knows both options, and the resulting choices/consequences from each, but does he know which we actually will choose? I believe God gave us free agency, so that we do have to choose, but if He knows what we're going to choose, its not really freedom of choice is it? Here's where I get stuck in a loop, debating between agency and his power of all knowing. Well, I've already jumped in, I might as well go balls out on a discussion about God. What do I believe....good question, seeing as alot of things have gone blurry to focused and back to blurry. Well, as a basis, I believe in basic Christianity, about how Christ came, he was crucified for all mankind. As the passage goes.."No greater love...". I was raised strong LDS (Mormon for those of you who think its a cult). And no, its not a cult. In no way shape sort or form is Mormonism a cult, and as much as I dont follow the religion anymore, I won't listen to people bashing it. Because thats bullshit. I went to see the "Passion of the Christ" movie with my parents back in March. I have never cried so hard in my life that I can remember. I've cried rage, I've cried in sadness, happiness, and sometimes even just to cry, but never have I felt like my entire body was plunged into ice. That movie was amazingly done. I watched, and I started to cry, and the one thing I could focus on was my mother. She put her hand on my arm, and not even pressing down, that was the most firm thing I'ver felt. you could swing a brick at my head and that hand would have stopped it. I came out of there with the realization, God and Christ gave us families, they gave us the chance to have our lives, and when we choose our paths... we need help. Granted, I dont choose the right path as often as I wish I could, but thats why Christ was sacrificed. He came down, was physically taken from life, and spiritually abandoned by his Father for a moment, because he had to feel the ultimate pain. That moment circumvented all the pain every human has ever or will feel. And when we know how painful some of our life experiences are here, try to imagine all of them, ALL, ever and to be, at once, on one person. No Greater Love. I make wrong choices, I'll admit it, but I have 2 parents who although we fight and argue and I do live differently, they love me and are there for me no matter what. My mother found out I was drinking by finding me passed out in my own puke and feces. And she cleaned it up for me, put me to bed, and helped me get back on my feet. If I'dve found someone like that, I do not think I have it in me to be as good. I honestly try. People say I get walked all over, I say I don't care. I do, I really do, but what good is it going to do to fight back and cause pain? I figure, let it go, it doesnt matter in the big picture. I have a few things to work on before I can call myself a righteous person, I havent exactly followed God's commandments to a T, but I we can always get back up and keep trying. And we have families and friends to help us with it. I believe in God, I believe in Christ, and I do believe in life after death. I'm not perfect, I never will be, but someday when I die, I do hope I'm good enough to not have a one way ticket to the Fiery Pits.

Well, lets try a little bit of details, aside from a general testimonial. I feel ashamed, I can't even name all 10 commandments. haha. Well, basic stuff, no killing, I think I can handle that, I havent hated anyone that much yet. No drinking...I think we all know I'm not flawless on that score. Workin on it. Love thy neighbor as thyself. Well, I try to be decent to people, on the street, next door, in a restaurant. Its not that hard to hold a door open for a little old lady, and the surprised looks, smiles and thank you's you get from people looking at a peirced up punk are totally worth it. No Sex before marriage....well, I kind of botched that one. I even botched my own morals. I always thought, as long as you love them, like, really love them, why not? Well, the three girls I have slept with, I'm close to two of them, but love? Not exactly. Its a different kind of love. Maybe thats why it was easy to not sleep with M'Lady when she said she didn't want to. I really do love her....

In any case, I think you're getting the basis idea of where I come from, I'm not perfect, I dont believe in the excess books that mormons read, (not that they're bad, historically, they're flawless), I just dont agree with some of the principles on how they came to be. But to set the record straight, for all those people who think mormons are crazy cult lovers and worship 5 gods, go lick a nut. They're almost identical to any other christian religion. I would know, I've studied a few.

My mind has begun to zone out on me. This is bad. Its a mediocre phase when I'm generally content, just out of it. I can feel the edges of so much that I could write and talk about, but Im not quite pulled in any specific direction. It makes for a bad train of thought. I still need to type 200 words for my assignment tomorrow. Ah crap, I'm screwed. All these thoughts zip around, ranging from deep conversations about stellar realignment in relation to religion and probability, all the way to wondering if there's a cold Pepsi upstairs.... quite a range hey? Yup, I'm really zoned. So much for a continuation on this rant. oh well. Short summary, I believe in religion, but I dont like to talk about it very often, so please, dont ask, I only discuss it with a few people. Anywho, must write assignment and sleep. Good Evening, and fuck you.

And So It Begins...

So the new college year has started and Im already starting to get whiplash. I havent seen so many hotties since...well, last term. Im currently in one of the computer commons, sitting 2 spots down from another sizzler, small, petite frame, big puffy lips, wearing a loose fit skirt, the ones youd see at the bar that flip up to show off the ass. Yeah, shes hot. What am I going to do about it? probably nothing. Yup, look at me go. I have an hour until my class, so I thought Id come in and bugger around online for a while. I do this way too often. Thats one good thing about the college, whatever mindset I have about M'Lady, I'll have a much easier time not thinking about it while Im trying to think up ways to hit on the countless gorgeous women I see here at the college. This place is like concentrated tapability. Not to say ALL women here are like that, Ive seen a few who could probably literally make babies cry on sight, and who get wedged in vehicles they're so fat. Those I could live without seeing. Especially at the bar trying to get picked up. *shudder* So I have shallow moments, sue me. So while trying to not creep out women by stealing 1...2...3...ok about 50 glances (they're REALLY hot!), I try to occupy my mind with passing everything this semester. Oh, and I try not to hate myself when that girl 2 seats down? just got surrounded by 3 guys...and it looks like her boyfriend. Dammit. oh well, next seat down? nope....across the row. hehe. oh yes. They're EVERYWHERE! Back to occupying my mind. Seeing as the main topic today seems to be girls, I'll take off on that tangent. So many women I know, and so many...Im a friend. For instance, there are a couple girls at the coffee shop in one of the malls here, and as creepy as that sounds, it really isnt, I used to work in the call center next door to them, so I saw them all the time for food and coffee, and one of them I went to elementary school with. We'll call the old friend "Michelle" and the new one "Renee". Michelle has had a rough few months, in the last 3 months, 4 of her friends have died in car crashes. I really feel bad for her, because theres no easy way to cope with that. So I offer up as many hugs as she wants. Renee on the other hand, is 22, flirts like the devil, and is MARRIED. Dammit all. Her and I talk and flirt like we might be dating, but she's married, theres no chance. heh. Maybe thats why she flirts, cuz she knows shes safe. There seems to be an abundance of women in the local surrounding area who well, hate me. Or at least wont give me the time of day to be the charming witty young man I really am. *feel my sarcasm* Really, it seems to just be this area. I talk to girls in edmonton, vancouver, saskatchewan, anywhere ELSE, really, and they all think Im hilarious, fun, nice, charming, hot, etc. Maybe its just cuz they havent met me.... :P


Ok I dont feel like writing about women its just not flowing to me enough. Maybe I'll bitch about school. I have this double class clash on thursdays (today) and I have to get it worked out, however the guy who promised me the result is an egotistical pot head who cant finish a sentence to save his life. I failed his class last semester due to sleeping and not showing up. mostly because I couldnt understand him anyways. I swear to god, I heard this as a sentence out of him while teaching -> "And then you click .........*10 second pause*....palette........*pause*.....this tool......*pause*......millions of colors are non existant in this layer". I mean yeah, if you want to fight with logic you can make sense out of it, but who wants to work that hard to learn? Psh. What makes it worse is that its not just teaching, and even when it is, his physical actions dont match what he's saying! He'll be telling you to click on a palette and he'll be clicking on crop or some shit like that. And he promised me this damn class would be sorted out like, 5 months ago, I hounded him for 2 months. still isnt done. lazy fucking pothead. Oh shit, Im going to run out of time before I have class. And I dont type slow, a friend came over and talked to me for 15 minutes in the middle of this. Anywho, Good day, and fuck you.

Convenience to A Womans Mind

Ok, now the title of this is a little bit misleading, I dont think this of ALL women, just a few, but it fits the topic, so ladies, dont hate me, enough of you already do.

So this one girl who I had a bit of a thing with about a half a year ago (J-nz) about a month ago says she wants a relationship, with me. Which is odd considering she's shut me down many times. Now, I was taken at the time, so I was like "Sorry, taken, if I'm lucky" and she wanted to wait till M'Lady got home to see if it was a go or not. It wasnt, so J-nz and I have hung out a bit. Im not going to up jump rebound into it, and she knows that. So one day I gave her a REALLY REALLY long hug, and she was like "you shouldve kissed me" and I kind of wanted to, but I was like, no, just no. And then 3 days later she has a boyfriend. Can people explain this to me? Am I just that easy to get past? (oh, and as a side note, you may notice the intelligence in alot of my rants are much lower than others, this is because I the ones that are intelligent are all from more deep inside, while these are more off the top of the head) ANYWAYS. Yeah, so then I talk to her tonight and she's like "well I just wanted someone there, it wont last anyways, Id hoped YOU'D ask me out, but you need space". WELL YEAH. its been a week today! oh well. You know this really isnt worth bitching about, so Im just gonna drop it.

So I went up to my world favorite place EVER for the night last night, Waterton. Had a night to sit, think, and reflect. Its strange. Everytime Im there my thoughts just line themselves up and my problems get worked out. Its so simple. I decided that with M'Lady, she may not want to date, but over my dead body will I lose her. We can at LEAST be friends, and maybe, if Im lucky, in the long run we'll date again. So I came back today and bolted for the flower shop, because Id forgotten to get her some for her birthday since she dumped me. haha. So I got her a pot of hybrid lilies. (Lilies are her favorite) I ran them over before work. It didnt go to bad. Her mother looked pissed off that I was there, but whatever. She was sleeping, but she came out, said thanks, and was talking about how busy getting ready for Uni was, which I totally understand, been there, done that for college, its a burner your first year. So I told her when things calm down to call and we'd go run amok. She gave me a hug and said sure, and then I ran for work. It made me smile. Its interesting. Everytime I see her I can especially feel the gap in my soul, but at the same time I feel like the gap is healing...because she's right there. The lilies has 3 open buds, I was going to tell her they stood for my 3 favorite memories of us, but he mom was there so I left it. The 3 memories being #3 - The Fireworks on Canada Day together. (and the rest of the day) #2 - Going to Waterton for a day Together, and then #1 - That devastating Smile.

I think I might ask her if I can produce her singing and use her as a model for alot of my media stuff this year. I had some serious inspiration with her around, its like she was MADE of inspiration. *sigh* well, I think I'll leave this and finish it later, Im going to go see and old friend for a while. *insert 2 hour break here* Ok, I return, and all the things I was going to say have lost me. dammit. oh well. another time. until then, good day, and fuck you.

A Revelation of Sorts

Ok, so last night I took the "drink it away" route. this was bad. very. in about 2 hours I went through approx 17 rye/cokes and 8 shots of Jager. Most of the night is a blur, but I ended up back at my parents house. and then I woke up, in my own putrescense. I'd vomited and crapped myself in my sleep. thats how drunk I was. I need to stop drinking, it really isnt helping me at all.

So let us recap, this week thanks to a lady who I still love and wish I had, Ive almost broken my hand, driven more than an hour for sex, listened to excessive amounts of vicious music, played excessive amounts of excessively gory games, screamed, cried, and now almost killed myself with alcohol. I dont think Im dealing with this the right way. But I'll work on it.

So Im finding more and more, even the thought of M'Lady makes me want to cry, and every thought leads me into a quiet recession when people think Im ill. And I think about her alot. every few minutes or so. More and more music is suiting my emotion. Right now the 2 most accurate are Finger Eleven - One Thing, and Blink 182 - I Miss You. To quote my purpose on why:

Finger Eleven - One Thing

If I traded it all, if I gave it all
for one thing, just for one thing
^ Case and Point.

Blink 182 - I Miss You

Dont waste your time on me
you're already a voice inside my head
I miss you. I miss you
^ It feels like its been months (well it kind of HAS, but only in a different sense), and its hard, it really feels like I can barely remember her, and shes a fading memory, but the truth is she's all I think about. I miss her. I love her.

I got home from work tonight (its 4:45 in the morning, I got home a half hour ago), and I looked up, and its a perfect night, bright moon, no clouds, stars were BRILLIANT, and there was just a small crisp chill to the air. The kind of night I'd love to just go pick her up, take her out down a country road, and lie in a field with a blanket, cuddling and stargazing. It hurts to type, but I think I need to let it out. Im also on a down phase, my parents are getting a new kitten. 2 years ago our family cat died, he was older than me, literally, Id never known life without that cat. and him being "replaced" is pretty hard....and Im back to M'Lady....lets describe her, and my perfect girl, and compare.

Perfect Girl ->Andrea
--------------------- --------------------
long red hair ->dark hair, dyes it red, HOT
green eyes ->grey green eyes
shorter than me-> shorter
slim ->slim, smooth build
cynical ->cynical
intelligent (not blonde smart, Uni smart) ->smarter than me
humorous-> likes my jokes, and has hers
dirty minded-> on occasion
clean ->despises whores :)
spiritual ->has an awesome faith
in depth with music-> best voice Ive ever heard
outdoorsy -> camps, hikes, etc
romantic ->just as dorky as I
dorky -> " " "
sweet -> made me breakfast once. aww
and at times a bitch -> has burns to kill
intense -> I can barely follow her mind
energetic -> hehe...yeah
creative -> among the most creative out
impulsive -> once traded shorts to swim.

This is what I can think off the top of my head. so by matching these up, and adding things to M'Lady like: makes my knees buckle with her smile, and well, she used to love my company, she'd watch hockey with me, south park, walk around lakes, stand on balconies in the rain and talk, she jumped in the car once with a box of oreos and we went to Waterton, my all time favorite place. we walked, hiked, and then traded shorts to jump in the lake because I thought hers were longer than my boxers. (I was wrong, so I swam in girls clothes), and then we layed on the roof of my car to dry off listening to early 90's music and talking about whatever. On Canada Day we hung out ALL day, for about 18 hours. she came out to my aunts place, met my family, watched the parade, had lunch, then we went back to my place, spent some time....well, none of your business, but then we went to the fireworks, and we got to lay on the grass together and stare up at the show, and then we went and parked by a lake and napped in my car, and she cried herself a stain into my shirt because she didnt want to leave for 2 months. We had a night when just because we felt like it, we bought chocolate pie, watched movies and had a food fight. And the tears are starting. She has a voice that will forever echo in my mind, she could blow away a choir of angels with that voice. She was always physical, always wanted to be touching. holding hands, hugging...Im going to miss her soft hands. Over and over, I see my favorite memories of us coming back. I dont smile, Im just not the type, but she brought out the best. that smile of hers is devastating...not only did it make me weak all over, but it made me strong, and not ONCE did it EVERY fail to make me smile. I absolutely could not help it. In a large real sense, she really did become a part of me. she was the best I could be. And I feel like Im missing a part of my soul now. I cant give up on that. I'll give it a couple weeks and I'll see if she wants to hang....or maybe go for dinner, and maybe even if we arent dating, maybe I'll still have her in my life. I love her too much to not.

Well now, all sap aside, its 5:30 in the morning, and I need to sleep. So Im going to let this go for now. G'night.

Semi Coherence I Suppose

There is so much I could say to her, and yet I cant say anything, Ive seen her once since, and I had so much to let out, vent, yell, rage, talk about, anything, and as soon as she walked out, even though inside shes different, I still SEE the girl I love, and I melt. I couldnt say anything. Ive cried Ive snapped, and now Ive settled into a spaced quiet zone of bitterness and resentment. Brooding over the same thoughts day and night. So many things. I could tell her about how I still love the girl who she was, how I want nothing else. How I'd wait years if it meant I got that girl back. How I felt waiting for 6 weeks with no word, thinking yeah, she probly hates me, but as long as theres a chance, Im waiting. Anxiety makes for a bad sleep, let me tell you. How watching her say "sorry" and close the door was like watching my soul get ripped out and curbstomped. How the girl she was IS a part of my soul, and was my anchor (ref to prior rant). The thing is, I'll never be able to say it to her, because I'll cave. I suppose as long as she's happy thats what matters. Maybe after a couple months when Im more or less demi quasi over it just enough to be able to handle SEEING her without crying, I'll call her and we'll go hang sometime. This is of course if she wants to. Which I pray she will. Until then I'll spend my time surrounding myself with anything I can in order to forget the pain, which is REALLY difficult, cuz I have no life, and Im always alone, so I always brood over it. Hell, I was listenin to tunes earlier and my friend (we'll call her "J-nz") texts me from work "shes HERE" I was like, dont tell me this ok? It hurts enough. Jesus. Now I have a new debate, depending on whether a certain iffy transaction goes through or not, and if I have money tomorrow, should I go drinking to drown the sorrows? Or buy her a belated 18th present and show her I still love her....its a tough call. I'll figure it out if I get money. alright, well, I believe I have bills to pay. Good Day, and fuck you. I want M'Lady back.