A Time to Live And a Time to Die...

I really should be typing out my assignment thats due at noon, but I cant seem to think of any ideas that trigger it. So instead I'm listening to overly depressing music, reminiscing about M'Lady and things I could have done differently in my life. Pointless I know, Im the first to say don't live in the past, it never fixes anything. Its funny, I dont know if anyone else out there does this, but I find myself talking to myself on a regular basis, acting out past discussions, or discussions I wish would happen. Sad really, I know I cant plan these things, and thats even if I have the guts to go and start the conversations. Do you believe in fate? Soul mates? That One True? I do, but not in the sense that some people see them in. I find for that One True, a soul mate, it may not really be ONE person, but its who you make of yourself and who you see in that person, we choose our one true. Its all part of the Big Guy in the Sky's plan, we have to make the choices that get us places. I might get a little religious in this post, for those of you who may not like it, move on to the next, if there happens to be one. Fate is an interesting idea. I believe it closely resides along the ideas of the soul mates. To me we all have a fate, which is to choose. Just Choose. A simple concept, but its the one thing that can make or break a person, physically, mentally, spiritually, in any way. God knows all our paths. Here's where my theory gets a little hard to understand, because I can't begin to comprehend God's mind. He knows all our fates. He knows everything that CAN happen, following each choice. He knows what choices we'll have to make, as a product of other choices. The hard part to know, is whether he knows which choices will WILL make. I think He knows both options, and the resulting choices/consequences from each, but does he know which we actually will choose? I believe God gave us free agency, so that we do have to choose, but if He knows what we're going to choose, its not really freedom of choice is it? Here's where I get stuck in a loop, debating between agency and his power of all knowing. Well, I've already jumped in, I might as well go balls out on a discussion about God. What do I believe....good question, seeing as alot of things have gone blurry to focused and back to blurry. Well, as a basis, I believe in basic Christianity, about how Christ came, he was crucified for all mankind. As the passage goes.."No greater love...". I was raised strong LDS (Mormon for those of you who think its a cult). And no, its not a cult. In no way shape sort or form is Mormonism a cult, and as much as I dont follow the religion anymore, I won't listen to people bashing it. Because thats bullshit. I went to see the "Passion of the Christ" movie with my parents back in March. I have never cried so hard in my life that I can remember. I've cried rage, I've cried in sadness, happiness, and sometimes even just to cry, but never have I felt like my entire body was plunged into ice. That movie was amazingly done. I watched, and I started to cry, and the one thing I could focus on was my mother. She put her hand on my arm, and not even pressing down, that was the most firm thing I'ver felt. you could swing a brick at my head and that hand would have stopped it. I came out of there with the realization, God and Christ gave us families, they gave us the chance to have our lives, and when we choose our paths... we need help. Granted, I dont choose the right path as often as I wish I could, but thats why Christ was sacrificed. He came down, was physically taken from life, and spiritually abandoned by his Father for a moment, because he had to feel the ultimate pain. That moment circumvented all the pain every human has ever or will feel. And when we know how painful some of our life experiences are here, try to imagine all of them, ALL, ever and to be, at once, on one person. No Greater Love. I make wrong choices, I'll admit it, but I have 2 parents who although we fight and argue and I do live differently, they love me and are there for me no matter what. My mother found out I was drinking by finding me passed out in my own puke and feces. And she cleaned it up for me, put me to bed, and helped me get back on my feet. If I'dve found someone like that, I do not think I have it in me to be as good. I honestly try. People say I get walked all over, I say I don't care. I do, I really do, but what good is it going to do to fight back and cause pain? I figure, let it go, it doesnt matter in the big picture. I have a few things to work on before I can call myself a righteous person, I havent exactly followed God's commandments to a T, but I we can always get back up and keep trying. And we have families and friends to help us with it. I believe in God, I believe in Christ, and I do believe in life after death. I'm not perfect, I never will be, but someday when I die, I do hope I'm good enough to not have a one way ticket to the Fiery Pits.

Well, lets try a little bit of details, aside from a general testimonial. I feel ashamed, I can't even name all 10 commandments. haha. Well, basic stuff, no killing, I think I can handle that, I havent hated anyone that much yet. No drinking...I think we all know I'm not flawless on that score. Workin on it. Love thy neighbor as thyself. Well, I try to be decent to people, on the street, next door, in a restaurant. Its not that hard to hold a door open for a little old lady, and the surprised looks, smiles and thank you's you get from people looking at a peirced up punk are totally worth it. No Sex before marriage....well, I kind of botched that one. I even botched my own morals. I always thought, as long as you love them, like, really love them, why not? Well, the three girls I have slept with, I'm close to two of them, but love? Not exactly. Its a different kind of love. Maybe thats why it was easy to not sleep with M'Lady when she said she didn't want to. I really do love her....

In any case, I think you're getting the basis idea of where I come from, I'm not perfect, I dont believe in the excess books that mormons read, (not that they're bad, historically, they're flawless), I just dont agree with some of the principles on how they came to be. But to set the record straight, for all those people who think mormons are crazy cult lovers and worship 5 gods, go lick a nut. They're almost identical to any other christian religion. I would know, I've studied a few.

My mind has begun to zone out on me. This is bad. Its a mediocre phase when I'm generally content, just out of it. I can feel the edges of so much that I could write and talk about, but Im not quite pulled in any specific direction. It makes for a bad train of thought. I still need to type 200 words for my assignment tomorrow. Ah crap, I'm screwed. All these thoughts zip around, ranging from deep conversations about stellar realignment in relation to religion and probability, all the way to wondering if there's a cold Pepsi upstairs.... quite a range hey? Yup, I'm really zoned. So much for a continuation on this rant. oh well. Short summary, I believe in religion, but I dont like to talk about it very often, so please, dont ask, I only discuss it with a few people. Anywho, must write assignment and sleep. Good Evening, and fuck you.