A Revelation of Sorts
Ok, so last night I took the "drink it away" route. this was bad. very. in about 2 hours I went through approx 17 rye/cokes and 8 shots of Jager. Most of the night is a blur, but I ended up back at my parents house. and then I woke up, in my own putrescense. I'd vomited and crapped myself in my sleep. thats how drunk I was. I need to stop drinking, it really isnt helping me at all.
So let us recap, this week thanks to a lady who I still love and wish I had, Ive almost broken my hand, driven more than an hour for sex, listened to excessive amounts of vicious music, played excessive amounts of excessively gory games, screamed, cried, and now almost killed myself with alcohol. I dont think Im dealing with this the right way. But I'll work on it.
So Im finding more and more, even the thought of M'Lady makes me want to cry, and every thought leads me into a quiet recession when people think Im ill. And I think about her alot. every few minutes or so. More and more music is suiting my emotion. Right now the 2 most accurate are Finger Eleven - One Thing, and Blink 182 - I Miss You. To quote my purpose on why:
Finger Eleven - One Thing
If I traded it all, if I gave it all
for one thing, just for one thing
^ Case and Point.
Blink 182 - I Miss You
Dont waste your time on me
you're already a voice inside my head
I miss you. I miss you
^ It feels like its been months (well it kind of HAS, but only in a different sense), and its hard, it really feels like I can barely remember her, and shes a fading memory, but the truth is she's all I think about. I miss her. I love her.
I got home from work tonight (its 4:45 in the morning, I got home a half hour ago), and I looked up, and its a perfect night, bright moon, no clouds, stars were BRILLIANT, and there was just a small crisp chill to the air. The kind of night I'd love to just go pick her up, take her out down a country road, and lie in a field with a blanket, cuddling and stargazing. It hurts to type, but I think I need to let it out. Im also on a down phase, my parents are getting a new kitten. 2 years ago our family cat died, he was older than me, literally, Id never known life without that cat. and him being "replaced" is pretty hard....and Im back to M'Lady....lets describe her, and my perfect girl, and compare.
Perfect Girl ->Andrea
--------------------- --------------------
long red hair ->dark hair, dyes it red, HOT
green eyes ->grey green eyes
shorter than me-> shorter
slim ->slim, smooth build
cynical ->cynical
intelligent (not blonde smart, Uni smart) ->smarter than me
humorous-> likes my jokes, and has hers
dirty minded-> on occasion
clean ->despises whores :)
spiritual ->has an awesome faith
in depth with music-> best voice Ive ever heard
outdoorsy -> camps, hikes, etc
romantic ->just as dorky as I
dorky -> " " "
sweet -> made me breakfast once. aww
and at times a bitch -> has burns to kill
intense -> I can barely follow her mind
energetic -> hehe...yeah
creative -> among the most creative out
impulsive -> once traded shorts to swim.
This is what I can think off the top of my head. so by matching these up, and adding things to M'Lady like: makes my knees buckle with her smile, and well, she used to love my company, she'd watch hockey with me, south park, walk around lakes, stand on balconies in the rain and talk, she jumped in the car once with a box of oreos and we went to Waterton, my all time favorite place. we walked, hiked, and then traded shorts to jump in the lake because I thought hers were longer than my boxers. (I was wrong, so I swam in girls clothes), and then we layed on the roof of my car to dry off listening to early 90's music and talking about whatever. On Canada Day we hung out ALL day, for about 18 hours. she came out to my aunts place, met my family, watched the parade, had lunch, then we went back to my place, spent some time....well, none of your business, but then we went to the fireworks, and we got to lay on the grass together and stare up at the show, and then we went and parked by a lake and napped in my car, and she cried herself a stain into my shirt because she didnt want to leave for 2 months. We had a night when just because we felt like it, we bought chocolate pie, watched movies and had a food fight. And the tears are starting. She has a voice that will forever echo in my mind, she could blow away a choir of angels with that voice. She was always physical, always wanted to be touching. holding hands, hugging...Im going to miss her soft hands. Over and over, I see my favorite memories of us coming back. I dont smile, Im just not the type, but she brought out the best. that smile of hers is devastating...not only did it make me weak all over, but it made me strong, and not ONCE did it EVERY fail to make me smile. I absolutely could not help it. In a large real sense, she really did become a part of me. she was the best I could be. And I feel like Im missing a part of my soul now. I cant give up on that. I'll give it a couple weeks and I'll see if she wants to hang....or maybe go for dinner, and maybe even if we arent dating, maybe I'll still have her in my life. I love her too much to not.
Well now, all sap aside, its 5:30 in the morning, and I need to sleep. So Im going to let this go for now. G'night.
So let us recap, this week thanks to a lady who I still love and wish I had, Ive almost broken my hand, driven more than an hour for sex, listened to excessive amounts of vicious music, played excessive amounts of excessively gory games, screamed, cried, and now almost killed myself with alcohol. I dont think Im dealing with this the right way. But I'll work on it.
So Im finding more and more, even the thought of M'Lady makes me want to cry, and every thought leads me into a quiet recession when people think Im ill. And I think about her alot. every few minutes or so. More and more music is suiting my emotion. Right now the 2 most accurate are Finger Eleven - One Thing, and Blink 182 - I Miss You. To quote my purpose on why:
Finger Eleven - One Thing
If I traded it all, if I gave it all
for one thing, just for one thing
^ Case and Point.
Blink 182 - I Miss You
Dont waste your time on me
you're already a voice inside my head
I miss you. I miss you
^ It feels like its been months (well it kind of HAS, but only in a different sense), and its hard, it really feels like I can barely remember her, and shes a fading memory, but the truth is she's all I think about. I miss her. I love her.
I got home from work tonight (its 4:45 in the morning, I got home a half hour ago), and I looked up, and its a perfect night, bright moon, no clouds, stars were BRILLIANT, and there was just a small crisp chill to the air. The kind of night I'd love to just go pick her up, take her out down a country road, and lie in a field with a blanket, cuddling and stargazing. It hurts to type, but I think I need to let it out. Im also on a down phase, my parents are getting a new kitten. 2 years ago our family cat died, he was older than me, literally, Id never known life without that cat. and him being "replaced" is pretty hard....and Im back to M'Lady....lets describe her, and my perfect girl, and compare.
Perfect Girl ->Andrea
--------------------- --------------------
long red hair ->dark hair, dyes it red, HOT
green eyes ->grey green eyes
shorter than me-> shorter
slim ->slim, smooth build
cynical ->cynical
intelligent (not blonde smart, Uni smart) ->smarter than me
humorous-> likes my jokes, and has hers
dirty minded-> on occasion
clean ->despises whores :)
spiritual ->has an awesome faith
in depth with music-> best voice Ive ever heard
outdoorsy -> camps, hikes, etc
romantic ->just as dorky as I
dorky -> " " "
sweet -> made me breakfast once. aww
and at times a bitch -> has burns to kill
intense -> I can barely follow her mind
energetic -> hehe...yeah
creative -> among the most creative out
impulsive -> once traded shorts to swim.
This is what I can think off the top of my head. so by matching these up, and adding things to M'Lady like: makes my knees buckle with her smile, and well, she used to love my company, she'd watch hockey with me, south park, walk around lakes, stand on balconies in the rain and talk, she jumped in the car once with a box of oreos and we went to Waterton, my all time favorite place. we walked, hiked, and then traded shorts to jump in the lake because I thought hers were longer than my boxers. (I was wrong, so I swam in girls clothes), and then we layed on the roof of my car to dry off listening to early 90's music and talking about whatever. On Canada Day we hung out ALL day, for about 18 hours. she came out to my aunts place, met my family, watched the parade, had lunch, then we went back to my place, spent some time....well, none of your business, but then we went to the fireworks, and we got to lay on the grass together and stare up at the show, and then we went and parked by a lake and napped in my car, and she cried herself a stain into my shirt because she didnt want to leave for 2 months. We had a night when just because we felt like it, we bought chocolate pie, watched movies and had a food fight. And the tears are starting. She has a voice that will forever echo in my mind, she could blow away a choir of angels with that voice. She was always physical, always wanted to be touching. holding hands, hugging...Im going to miss her soft hands. Over and over, I see my favorite memories of us coming back. I dont smile, Im just not the type, but she brought out the best. that smile of hers is devastating...not only did it make me weak all over, but it made me strong, and not ONCE did it EVERY fail to make me smile. I absolutely could not help it. In a large real sense, she really did become a part of me. she was the best I could be. And I feel like Im missing a part of my soul now. I cant give up on that. I'll give it a couple weeks and I'll see if she wants to hang....or maybe go for dinner, and maybe even if we arent dating, maybe I'll still have her in my life. I love her too much to not.
Well now, all sap aside, its 5:30 in the morning, and I need to sleep. So Im going to let this go for now. G'night.
posted by brokenhalo76 at 5:30 AM
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