I Am Breathing Smoke....

I can barely grasp each breath, my knuckles are torn from immobile violence. She is gone, my tears are free.

Strange I find the one thing that kept my soul intact, when it leaves and tears my soul out, THEN I can cry. fucked up no? Ive come to the conclusion that any religion that sends people away for any extended period of time, is going to change this person, for the worse. my brother, and many people I know went on mormon missions, ALL of them came back as self-heightened assholes. M'Lady leaves, lutheran thingy, and comes back saying she doesnt even want me around anymore. She has no idea how much pain that caused me. I waited 2 months, with no calls or anything (yeah youd think Id clue in eh?) for what? NOTHING some one who doesnt even tell me about the trip. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH. I cannot scream enough for my pain right now. I spent the last half hour bawlin at my friends house in front of his MOTHER, because she listens. and I damn near put a hole in the roof of my car punching it. I keep getting caught, half hte time Im crying, the other half Im so mad Im shaking. physically, I cant stop, Im shaking. Music fuels my fire. Ironic that statement, considering music is an outlet, it doesnt make me madder, makes me happier. kind of. hard to explain. in any case, it works. I need a punching bag. the roof of my car is kind of not nice to the punching. I cant think. I cant talk. I'll write more when Im coherent.