Semi Coherence I Suppose

There is so much I could say to her, and yet I cant say anything, Ive seen her once since, and I had so much to let out, vent, yell, rage, talk about, anything, and as soon as she walked out, even though inside shes different, I still SEE the girl I love, and I melt. I couldnt say anything. Ive cried Ive snapped, and now Ive settled into a spaced quiet zone of bitterness and resentment. Brooding over the same thoughts day and night. So many things. I could tell her about how I still love the girl who she was, how I want nothing else. How I'd wait years if it meant I got that girl back. How I felt waiting for 6 weeks with no word, thinking yeah, she probly hates me, but as long as theres a chance, Im waiting. Anxiety makes for a bad sleep, let me tell you. How watching her say "sorry" and close the door was like watching my soul get ripped out and curbstomped. How the girl she was IS a part of my soul, and was my anchor (ref to prior rant). The thing is, I'll never be able to say it to her, because I'll cave. I suppose as long as she's happy thats what matters. Maybe after a couple months when Im more or less demi quasi over it just enough to be able to handle SEEING her without crying, I'll call her and we'll go hang sometime. This is of course if she wants to. Which I pray she will. Until then I'll spend my time surrounding myself with anything I can in order to forget the pain, which is REALLY difficult, cuz I have no life, and Im always alone, so I always brood over it. Hell, I was listenin to tunes earlier and my friend (we'll call her "J-nz") texts me from work "shes HERE" I was like, dont tell me this ok? It hurts enough. Jesus. Now I have a new debate, depending on whether a certain iffy transaction goes through or not, and if I have money tomorrow, should I go drinking to drown the sorrows? Or buy her a belated 18th present and show her I still love her....its a tough call. I'll figure it out if I get money. alright, well, I believe I have bills to pay. Good Day, and fuck you. I want M'Lady back.