.. to be a horrible person? Sometimes I wonder, am I a bad person, and not like, stole something once bad, but genuinely become a bad person. Some things that have happened, whether intentional, subconsciously or not, have I made all mistakes in my life? For example, fighting in the ring. I DO love what I do. Its physical, aggresive, and gives me an outlet for stress...but it took Bro talking about doing it before I did. Did I run over his dream and steal it for my own? Am I overshadowing the people I admire without ever knowing it? Things I've said to insult people in the past...were they as deserving as I so thought at the particular time? Jokes I've made, even about no one in particular. Blonde jokes, racist jokes, religious jokes. Whether I mean them or not, just by spreading that to someone else, have I blackened my own soul and put my self a step lower on the Stairway to Heaven? I've slept with 11 women in my life. Eleven. I know the names of each and every one of them. I even still talk frequently with many of them. As friends. Some of which, yes I regret it happening, and I wish I could go back and undo what was done, but I can't so I move along and just try not to talk to people about it, considering it's really none of their business. But some people, even get mad at me for NOT telling them about my personal life, and somehow, I feel guilty for this! These same people, when I DO tell them, throw it in my face, and everytime I've slept with someone new, turned around, and told the world, and made it into a huge joke about how much of a slut and manwhore I am.
Well? Am I?
I don't know. I don't try to be. Not by any means. I don't pick up randoms from the bar, I never have, (although I'll admit, its been close once or twice, but I think I've mentioned those in the blog before). Since September I've slept with 3 people. One I was dating, she turned into a stalker, so I broke up with her. One was fairly random, but she's found a happy relationship with Bro, and that's awesome, power to them, I'll never touch her again, she's all Bro's. They make each other happy. The 3rd, was Sylvie, and I WANTED to date her. I liked her. Alot, moreso than I thought I would. Still do, even though she's taken now. Does that mean I'm a player? Without naming names, (since I've tried not to do that in here, although i'm bound to have messed up once or twice), this is my sex life since january of 04:
First girl - I regret, it was a depressed decision influenced solely on the fact that I wanted to fit in with the crowd, it was retarded of me. We do not keep in contact, although I have seen her around.
Second. (Krizzle, although i've mentioned her before i can't remember what name I used). We dated. for about 3 weeks. She was a good friend of mine, it was just awkward, so we broke up. Don't really talk anymore, but we're slowly starting to talk again, makes me happy.
Third. She's been unnamed but often mentioned. This was just prior to, and just after the M'Lady era I've written so often about. Before M'lady, I tried to date this girl. She blew me off and found someone else. Post-M'lady era, we were just hooking up, until I DID ask her out, and 24 hours later she ended that....who knows why. We don't keep up.
Fourth. A one night stand. the only real one night stand I've ever had. But I know her name, and I've talked to her two or 3 times since. I think she had an abortion this last summer, which tends to frighten me. (at least I know it wasnt mine, too much time difference). This is one I regret. Alot. It was pointless.
Fifth. A good friend of mine who talked me into taking her viriginity. She literally had to pester me into it. We talk fairly often, she lives with her now-6 month boyfriend. She's a good kid.
Sixth. A girl who went to school withi #5. We hooked up twice....but I regret both times. I was never really attracted to her. I've felt the worst about this one, since I feel like I really was using her. We talk occasionally. Usually only in online forums.
Seventh. A friend of mine in another city. We'd been literally planning on it for about a month, and I talk to her probly every other day. I can't wait to hang out with her again soon, when I visit on my way to go paving. I have no regrets there, it was a choice we both made as adults.
Eighth. Part of me regrets this, part of me doesnt. I believe I mentioned in prior posts a girl who caused a great deal of conflict between Bro and myself. this was her. I talk to her about once a week now, but I'll never get together again....just incase it bothered Bro, and I personally can't do that to him.
Ninth. I like to call her 'Crazy'. I met her at a bus stop at the college here in town. Ended up dating her for a month. She started calling 10+ times a day, driving by my work, calling me 4 times a shift (even night shifts) and showing up to drive me home at random. Eventually changed her life goal destination from New Zealand to Calgary...funny, since I'd just told her I wanted to be in Calgary. Yeah I dumped her. We do NOT talk. I keep it that way.
Tenth. A friend I met kind of at random. She's the one now dating Bro, and I'm glad they're happy. We talk all the time, probly daily, since she's at my house with him almost daily :P
Eleventh. Sylvie. I already said about her.
Obviously its been bothering me or I wouldnt write it all out. Am I a bad person for my sexual life? I don't pick up random drunks, I don't pay for sex, although the odd porn, but that so doesnt count. I hope I'm not.
Back to the other things...dream stealing. Things I've caught onto that I've never really intended to, but have potentially stolen someone's dream...MMA fighting....biking....buying a big tv....dating certain women who I didnt know my friends were after. Things like this. In the grand scheme of things, I try to be nice to people, to help them out, to be patient, and loyal. Have I failed? How does God look down and see me? Would my ancestors be proud of me? Things I've always wanted, I've gotten no closer to, like finishing school, and finding someone to have a family with. But things that spring up at random, like fighting, I've landed without much trouble. Where does that really put me? And it's kind of ironic, I always thought if I looked at a downward spiral in my life, it'd be from leaving church activity. Its not. The things that stand out and make me think I'm a bad person, have MOSTLY occured, ever since the M'Lady incident. Did I lose more than an amazing person there? I've caught myself thinking about her lately. Again. A friend of mine made a passing comment as a joke, I think it triggered the thoughts. I was going on a date with an ex, for dinner, and I mentioned it, and all I said was "I'm going for dinner...with an ex" (oddly enough this friend is also an ex...i've dated a few people). all she said, anyways, was "M'lady?" and I just looked at her and said 'dont even fucking joke about that', and she laughed and walked away. Most people wouldnt think much of it, except me, naturally, I over analyze everything. This particular ex takes the same university program M'Lady does. It's entirely possible they see each other alot. or are in the same class or 2. Has M'lady maybe asked about me? The likelyhood is next to nothing, but I find the question cropping up inside me like a cut on the roof of my mouth......it'd fade if I'd just stop tongueing it. But I can't. I can't. I can't.
Help me....
