I Am Breathing Smoke....

I can barely grasp each breath, my knuckles are torn from immobile violence. She is gone, my tears are free.

Strange I find the one thing that kept my soul intact, when it leaves and tears my soul out, THEN I can cry. fucked up no? Ive come to the conclusion that any religion that sends people away for any extended period of time, is going to change this person, for the worse. my brother, and many people I know went on mormon missions, ALL of them came back as self-heightened assholes. M'Lady leaves, lutheran thingy, and comes back saying she doesnt even want me around anymore. She has no idea how much pain that caused me. I waited 2 months, with no calls or anything (yeah youd think Id clue in eh?) for what? NOTHING some one who doesnt even tell me about the trip. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH. I cannot scream enough for my pain right now. I spent the last half hour bawlin at my friends house in front of his MOTHER, because she listens. and I damn near put a hole in the roof of my car punching it. I keep getting caught, half hte time Im crying, the other half Im so mad Im shaking. physically, I cant stop, Im shaking. Music fuels my fire. Ironic that statement, considering music is an outlet, it doesnt make me madder, makes me happier. kind of. hard to explain. in any case, it works. I need a punching bag. the roof of my car is kind of not nice to the punching. I cant think. I cant talk. I'll write more when Im coherent.

Canada Belongs to Draino

So while we may have a member of parliament saying the Americans are a Coalition of Idiots (which I strongly agree with), we do need that coalition for military support, or we'll be mart of communist Russia within a year. So while shes busy throwing our financial/military support to the dogs, we've got a new Prime Minister who supports gay marriages and has just declared child pornography is an ART, if your only looking at it. BULLSHIT. thats just fucking disgusting, and he should be shot in the head just for saying it. There is zero art in child porn. The ideals this government has is going to put Canada down the drain. I give us half a year. We're SCREWED.

Now, for the last 8 months I worked as a technical support agent for Americans, I understand how stupid these people can be. Some, true, are very bright, and nice people, but a vast majority are complete morons, who think since they're American, they can have what they want any time they want it, and that if they dont get it, they can bomb the fuck out of whoever didnt give it to them. So seeing as the Canadian military consists of a few rifles from WWI and a flying squirrel, and maybe a few desert painted canoes. Since thats all we have, the Americans are all thats keeping us from being invaded and assimiliated into whichever larger army feels like taking us over. well, that and the general popluation, but lets not get into that. So seeing as this lady in parliament just called the Americans a Coalition of Idiots (truth, I know), I wouldnt be surprised if they withdraw military support, blockade Canada and blow the hell out of US.

As for child porn, how anyone can see that as art is beyond me, thats just disturbing. Now I have a pretty relaxed look on things, I think dead baby jokes are some of the best jokes out. but this is crossing lines. what the fuck do you think people are doing, "looking at it" you fuckbag, its a kid naked, if that turns you on, you've got severe issues. if you even want to SEE it, thats fucked up. I look at porn, porn is great from time to time, but if any files I get are kids? I'll fucking disinfect, sterilize and format my computer 5 times over. thats just fucking WRONG. A parent changing a child is the only one who should ever see a child naked. other than that, NO reason. GRRRRR. Fucking Liberals.

Ok, off the venting thing, as I promised 5 posts ago, I have to rename STD, she will now be known as Krizzle. She recently got a job at Humptys, as I think Ive already said, and shes higher than a kite, she got some hefty tips and a phone number. props to her. Well, its 4 days and counting till I can call M'Lady, and its her birthday today, so M'Lady, happy birthday, I love you. Now to get you some lilies and a present....I think I'll just let you come shop and pick one out. and if you dont want me back as a boyfriend.....well at least you can get a good present. So, I think Im going to cut this short, its not something I really feel like doing anymore. I'll just chill, listen to tunes, and maybe play some megaman or something. Therefore, good day, and fuck you.

Tylenol Induced Tendecies and Other People's Insight...

So we're going on a retro phase here, for the last post and this one.

Ok, so when I was in grade 11, Bro and I were in the same English class, with this MEGA, and I mean like drool on your ass hot intern. Anyways, this one day I was up on about a half bottle of tylenol and whatever other cold medication I could find. So I dont even remember it, but the next day I open my binder and found this poem that Bro says I spent half of class writing. kinda said seeing the length. oh well. I made a few minor changes about 10 minutes ago, and here is the final result. I like it. I call it "Existence".

I feel nothing
reality is void,
Senses are gone
cant see, can hear
taste, touch, inhale...
I cant breathe
I feel nothing
I sense nothing
Am I awake?
Is consciousness reality,
or is it all just a dream?
And if a dream,
Are dreams real, or imagined?
If imagined, does imagining constitude reality?
maybe dreams are reality.
What is reality?
Do we exist?
Maybe we do not exist...
Maybe existence is a dream
Do we need to exist to dream?
or dream to exist?
I feel nothing
reality is void,
Senses are gone
cant see, can hear
taste, touch, inhale...
I cant breathe
I feel nothing...
Am I real?


That better be on all separate lines. grr. oh well, I wanted to get rid of the really big words, but it wasnt clickin in my mind on what to replace them with...."consciousness" doesnt really fit in poetry.

Anyways, heres the other parts I wanted to post. This guy from Ontario, I'll call him Deadstar (his forum name). So this first bit is like a mini poem he showed me once, I just find it morbidly fascinating. And wonderfully sick. He calls it "Purity"

Shut up. Listen, listen very
closely to the pretty lady. Lady
doesn't want to talk to me.
Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your
defenses. Let me inside, inside
your door. Back in the back,
where the secrets are. I know all
your secrets. Yes I do. Shut up,
shut up, shut up.

Kinda creepy no? Isnt it fucking great? As for the other part, also from Deadstar, which I like to call his Ideals. I dont even remember what he posted them for, but they also intrigue me.

Ive come to the conclusion that i have to help you maggots. So being the soul i am, ive laid out a plan for which you can live your life by. Simple little lessons that any failure of social ambitions can understand.

Lesson #1: The human subject as processed through a vehicle must first be turned into an image by means of its own serial logic. Thus there is no independently real person. He or she is that image.

Lesson #2: The attitude of refusing to be spoken to by seizing the right to speak, challenges the institutional premises of the re-evaluation of the human sciences. Thus fearing to aggravate the argument.

Lesson #3: And finally. The effort to escape the mapping of form and beauty into a representation of exorcised ghosts by way of fluid visibility of boundaries, eroded by direct participation into a work of art is in fact a substitute for the revolution.

---------------------------------------------------

How... now that is a question worth examining. How could i being born of such conventional stock, arrive a leader of the rebellion? An escapist from a conformist world, destined to find happiness only in which cannot be explained. I brought you here for a reason but unfortunately, you and your sentimental minds are doing me no good. My brain is frozen, locked. I have to break free from this culture of mechanical reproduction and the thick incrustations dying on the surface.

So yeah, that'll have to do for things I feel like posting right now... I may get back to this later, I may not. In any case, good day, and fuck you.

A Past Night of Bitchiness and So on

So a few months ago I was highly hung up on a girl, and a few events pissed me right off, and triggered this little rant...which I quite like. So here you go.

Society thrives on what it can create in its own image, the politics of the world have become a shithole, wasting away in they're own feces of the dreams they once thought were amazing. I'm done with the garbage and "truths" of the world. I know now why I have no girlfriend, or chances with the "hot girls" out there. Because I'm an actual man. I've come to realize, when the world pushes a certain standard it is trying to create a new race of people, less original than what we were meant to be by God. I watched an amazing spectacle tonight. some people, people you can tell are in awe of others, who would do ANYTHING for others, and are true people, are completely rejected and turned away, because the people they care about are the peope they need to save, who have been corrupted and changed by the world around us, pumped full of beats and news about rap and murder, turned into a generation of mutant lab rats, all contriving the same thing, to aspire and match the stars. the big people. their "leaders". I personally watched, and viewed, in complete disbelief, multiple occasions of race aftee race dressed identically, hats tilted to abuse purpose and pants at their knees, be fawned over and worshipped, by the women that men want. I am a man, I do what I want when I want because I choose to, and because I like and appreciate the differences of the choices I make. I pay attention and have actual intelligence concerning how the world works. But todays women, deconstructed and rebuilt in the image of a music video, which isn't even music, its repetitve brainwashing material, created by the governments to control the masses, these women fawn over the type of guys, not men, freakish tools of society, that LOOK like something out of this fantasy. I give up, I'm going to find a woman, a real woman, who appreciates men, someone who knows and understands the basis of reality who can join me in cynical representation of the shit this world has become.

Oh, and on recapping, I have found that girl, she's absolutely amazing....but I havent seen her in 2 months, soon to end....come monday. hehe. Anyways, I have some more things I'm going to post, I just need to dig them up...

Epiphany of Life in my Mind

Vacancy of an open mind, I find myself in a growing vocal silence. It echoes off the dark loneliness in my minds eye. I feel the need to weep, for reasons I cannot name, unable for my loss of sanity. I keep reaching for something, anything to ground me, keep me here. My anchor is gone. Truth of realization brings tears to the edge. Begging for one to roll down. Time is beginning to lose meaning. Silence screams. Still no tears. Air is numb, it crushes in around me. Where is my mind? I do not sleep. I need to weep. The need burns like incense. Nothing. Happiness is like a fading ash in the wind. I have no soul.....

A New Day Has Come

I am Jacks mental disease. Ever have those days when you can barely string to coherent thoughts together? well thats me tonight. And its fueled by my depressing desperation and fear of being lonely. I have to finish moving my things tomorrow, back to my parents house. And I'm already depressed about it, I havent even moved IN entirely yet. *sigh* I dont even know where I'm going with this. probly just one of those things where I had something in my mind that was probably earth shaking, yet pathetic to the general public. whatev. I'll write more another day.

Revved Up and Needing to Destroy Something Beautiful (thank you Fight Club)

WARNING: THE CONTENT IN ANY OF MY RANTS IS HIGHLY UNADVISED FOR ALMOST EVERYONE. I SWEAR, I'M VILE, AND GENERALLY EVIL IN A HAPPY MANIACAL SENSE. ENJOY.


Ho Ho jolly fucking ho, where to start. Tonight has been one of those nights that just fuels to the pent up need to snap. So seeing as I can't snap, due to socialogical reprocussions, I'll just bitch in here for a while, and probly forget half of what I was originally going to bitch about, which, in turn, will piss me off even more. Joy to the fucking world.
Ok, so my friend, we'll call her "tsubo" says I should come drinking tonight, which sounds great, seeing as Ive been in a drunken rut for a couple weeks, having no job. So I'm all geared up to get piss wasted and my roommate (we'll call him "Bro") decides he's not up to it, and goes to bed. So now I have to drive, and that means no drinking due to my heavy moral convictions which involve not getting a DUI ticket. Now I'm not one who typically enjoys the bar, so drinking in this situation is an absolute must, but since I said I'd go, I do. The place has just been renovated over 3 months, guess what was done? 2 signs were changed to the same sign plus a shit load of glitter, and the beer tables were moved around, I could've done a better renovation with one foot, in less than a week. Christ the shit from my runny shit on bad days could have done better. Oh, I forgot, they changed the arsenal of shit dance/rap music to shit rap/rave music. so the whole place is an echoing squeal of pain in my ears. So I suffer for an hour and half to be nice, and no, I'm not a rainbow at a bar, unless I'm so shitfaced I can barely walk, at which point anything is entertaining, except possibly anal granny porn. But back on track, being unhappy at bars, I'm told by Tsubo and her roommate that evidently I give of a bad vibe, and not just any bad vibe, but a "I'm going to kill everyone in this building" bad vibe. And mildly, I think thats a bit excessive, brutally maim maybe, but kill? Nah, I prefer to torture. Yes, welcome to my mind ladies and gentlemen, in this phase, I'm a complete asshole. So after mentally berating every wigger and slut in the place, I walk out, drive home, and turn on my peasant vision TV in one of the few last nights I have as a free man (which I'll get to later).
New paragraph, no particular reason except I feel like being anal about my format for some reason. SO, watching the Olympics because the other 3 channels are A) british 1 in the morning drama from the 50's, B) infomercials for churches that I dont care about, and C) some early 90's reruns about something I couldnt care less. So Olympics it is. Which, tonight happens to be rowing. Again. Ive watched Olypics alot in the last few days, having no job (also, something I'll get to) and they seem to be OBSESSING over rowing. for Christs sake, ITS A BOAT, A RACE, AND YOU CAN ONLY SHOW THE REPLAY SO MANY TIMES BEFORE I THROW A BRICK THROUGH MY TV. God. Sometimes there happens to be a good event on. but for some reason they only air the fucking queer as events. So my other roommate "Diddy" and I decide to go to Humptys to harass our friend, who at the moment Im gonna call "STD", but I'll rename her nicely another day. when I'm in a nice mood. But anyways, its STD's first night on shift, and we go to see her, right as bar rush gets out. Oh great, another row with these fuckbags. So we keep to ourselves more or less, and watch the TV, which again, is rowing, and then diving, which I like, seeing as I used to dive. And we spark the conversation, who allows some of these fucking games? Speed walking? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT. Not a sport! Much less an OLYMPIC sport. Jeebus. Rowing is right on the line. Some things, like the track and field, swimming, diving, gymnastics, power lifting, biking, yeah, those are Olympic style sports, but others are just fucking pathetic. At this rate we're going to see "Who can balance a spoon on your nose longest" as an Olympic sport. They should try something that takes SKILL, and yet creativity. Like Trials Mountain Biking, hardest thing EVER, yet no one acknowledges it. I think they need some creative and physically demolishing sports in there, like.....waterskiing, slalom, on 1950's skiis. and make the turns HARD. OR like....skydiving chicken, whoever pulls there chute last wins....or dies, depends how long they hold out. hehehe at least we could see some blood. Maybe IronMAn Paintball, no, SPEEDBALL. MWAHAHA. shirtless paintball hurts. and make it a winter sport so the paintballs dont break. But anyways, as physically fit as Olympians are, they're games are fucking lame. Get better ones.
So while attempting to avoid contact with the bar group, one chick comes in, this chick is BEGGING to be flamed upon. I'm all for piercings and gothness, sometimes its damn sexy on a chick, but one thing I HATE, is the excess use of make up. this chick had like, 4 inch wide red and black streaks coming off her eyes. and then a really shitty mohawk. one of those shirts with a Misfits symbol sewn on, so not really a misfits shirt, probly just a rat hole shirt with a patch sewn over. DAMMIT. I'm not a consumer whore, and I HATE brand names, but if you're going to support a band, wear THEY'RE STUFF, not homemade CRAP. Argh, ok, I can't rage to much on her, I avoiding looking at her. The upside of the night, I got to see "mermaid" again which was mega cool, I havent seen her in years, and she's still just as short as ever, and as hot. But she has grown a ghetto booty, and a sufficient sluthood in needing to climb on cowboys. Whatever, I'll still call her.
Ok, now I feel like bitching about the basic things that have been against me lately.
1) We got evicted. Again.2) I need a job. That doesnt suck3) I havent heard from my girlfriend in 5 weeks!
Ok, top of the list, a while back, the runt fucker in the basement, we call him Chinko, we dont actually know his name. Anyways, he never complained to us, just banged on the roof at 5 in the afternoon when we'd play guitar or something, yeah funny, I never knew being semi-loud in the middle of the day was bad. yet listening to techno and wrestling (which sounds like ass sex) at 4am (this was his activity) is ok? FUCK YOU. So he moves out, and decides to "warn" the next tenants that we're "loud" well fuck you hosebag. So our landlord says get out. we're like fuck that, we didnt do anything! So Diddy kisses some major landlord ass, which he seems to be really good at, fucking brownnoser. And we're allowed to stay. then last weekend I had some friends down and we all got superiorly TRASHED. We tried to keep the noise down by going to the bar, but the NEXT night, the continuation turned out to be the turning point, the house 2 doors down had a 40 person houseparty, and since our lights were on, when the cops got called, we got in shit too. So our landlord RE-kicked us out. Fuck em'. So now # 2 reason comes into play. I royally hated my last job, I answered phones and told idiot americans (a vast majority, trust me) how to fix they're internet. Anyways, I quit that a couple weeks ago, so having no job, when we got evicted we needed to find a new place, and since I had no job, I'm unable to pay DD or rent at a new place, SO I have to move home to my parents house. I can almost feel my freedom slipping away. fucking mormon parents. ah well, I'm gonna turn my room into a fuckin pimp ass apartment and never come out unless its for college or work. or to get drunk at Diddy and Bro's new place. So as having a job sucked, I just got a new one, which is total bitch work, but its a job. I make pizza. whoopee. then again, if I can get a job at the local Hostess factory, I can make more money for bitch work, and hate it too! and then piss off the lebanese people who are the owners of Pizza 73. yay.
New topic, being reason three I'm so bitchy lately. My girlfriend who I'll call "M'Lady" has been on a tour of canada for the last 7 weeks. Now this sucks bad enough, but to add to it, the last time I HEARD from her was 5 weeks ago. pleasant, no? So I'm super excited that she's home in 8 days, and yet psychotically anxious because in 8 days I also find out if I still have a girlfriend. which I certainly hope I do, Im quite bent on her. I've known her for a while, a few years, minus a couple when we just never talked, and then I ran into her in Walmart back in May and BAM. We're together, and yeah, I'm a big fucking dork but I can say I love her. She's a stand up girl, morals, clean, gorgeous, and almost as cynical as I am. its fucking great. but you'd think even if she didnt want me anymore she'd just call and say "Its over" y'know? And if the reasoning that "I didnt want to do it over the phone" is the case, I'll be even MORE pissed, cuz I actually got hit on this summer and totally couldve hooked up with some major hotties. *sigh*. I miss M'Lady. Well, if I still have her in my life when she gets back, I'll probly never complain about most of the stuff in this rant (not a blog I hate that fucking word, its a goddamn rant) MUSIC MOMENT! *sing* shit piss fuck cunt cock sucker mother fucker tits fart turd and twat! I FUCKED YOUR MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!! END MUSIC MOMENT. fuck I gotta piss. brb......ok, just lost 2 pounds in liquid. Anyways, I miss M'Lady, I love her, I want her back. dammit.
Ok, other bitchy topics that generally roll off the tongue. I want my computer back. My poor computer is boxed up in my parents basement. I'm using Diddy's. I miss my better speaker system, I miss my massive 4 gig folder of rage/emo/depressing music, and I miss my bloodthirsty games where if you shoot someone they're body flies apart and the pieces bounce around while I giggle like a schoolgirl at her first sex ed class. I want my own apartment, but seeing as I do bitch work, until I finish college it'll be a long time before that happens. Oh, and I want an STi, but thats just me bitching about things I'll never have. Like a collection of mountain bikes. I have to many things to bitch about, and they've suddenly decided to bottleneck on me. They all want out, and unless I had Via-Voice and a method of sorting all the thoughts out, I'll never get to it all tonight. which pisses me off. Too many things piss me off, maybe I'm just easily irritable, though I never really get mad, its taken years of being depressed, recovering and teaching myself to just not CARE, to get to this stage, and people think I'm just "takin it like a bitch", actually, the reality is I never even hear most of whats said, I just DO, NOT, CARE. And most people think, which is probly true, that at some point I'm gonna go over, and just snap, and whoever gets in my way or whoever caused it, will probably never be able to enjoy the light of day again. Just remember. "When I snap, your the first to go". And seeing as I have that "Im gonna kill you" vibe, it shouldnt be to hard to prove it. Agh, my lack of anything resembling a life is astonishing. I sit in front of a computer 18 hours a day. why am I not 400 lbs. I need to go to the gym. and get back on my bike. fucking car, before it came along I rode EVERYwhere, I was a scrawny mofo. I need some muscle mass on me.
I am REALLY fucking hungry, ah the downfall of having no food and no money FOR food. and the upside of moving home. I'll get a proper diet. thank god. Ok, well Lynafred wants me to finish so she can read this. I'll bitch more when I'm inspired. I give it till I wake up. Good day, and fuck you.