Suicide Note Of The Day

For those who care, I just couldnt make something of myself. I'm not the one people want me to be, and never enough for myself.

To those I let down, I'm sorry will never be enough.

To those who don't give a damn, what I wouldnt give to be you.

To You, why was I never enough to you? I can't be perfect at what I do after such a short time, you know it, you understand it, and your mood changes faster than flies to a new pile of shit. The rest of the time you've been closer than I've ever expected. Carry on in triumph.

To You, your beautiful brown eyes make every minute of every smile twice as sweet. The twisting in my stomach yearns that soft touch of kiss. Thank you for making me smile. You'll rise above them all, and never stop for less than you want. Be who you are.

To You, voluntary shepard of pain.

To You, my entire life, and everything we've gone through, words can't express it. I'm sorry.

To You, if I could blanket my arms around you one more time, I'd never let go. Grow up to be everything.

To You, scream with me one more time, I wish we could make it echo.

To You, Hear You Me.


Let the echo's of the cliffs reside in what empty shell I leave. My life has not been empty. But its too late now.


Starry skies await me.

A New Breed

Ever have those days, when you're completely and utterly pissy, and its entirely illogical, because there was no specific trigger? Of course you do we're all human dont fucking lie to me. I suppose I DO know the triggers of this particular day, but they werent big enough things to really count as triggers. Small things, and myself, and of course other people. Lets put some perspective in this. I side houses for a living. I think I've stated it before, but oh well. Basically, I spent all morning shoulder pressing 35 foot poles that weigh over 200 lbs each. At one particular point, we realized I hadnt stapled a piece of fascia to the house, so I went up with a spiral nail for it, and for some reason I still cant figure out, the nail kept bending, and by this point I'd put a few holes in it, so I didnt wanna move the nail or else all the holes would show right? So I kept trying, and eventually got it to slowly nail in without bending, just befor eI finish, my boss starts to scream at me that I'm a slow useless fucking waste of skin, climbs the ladder, and puts the nail in a new spot, and then bitches about how it looks like shit. OF COURSE IT LOOKS LIKE FUCKING SHIT. I WAS TRYING TO TAKE THE TIME TO MAKE IT NOT LOOK LIKE SHIT YOU FUCKHEAD. But of course I cant SAY that to my boss. H'es not the type to take kindly, and he's my ride to and from work, which is in a town 20 km away from my house. So I'd probly end up fired, AND hitchhiking. Not to mention probably punched in the fucking teeth. So we started our work, service repairs on other houses today. which is aggravating enough to do, he ran into town to get some battons, and when he came back I was sliding one off the rack, and I didnt see the end swing down, yelled a warning and ALMOST hit him with the batton, missed, but almost. and he starts fucking swearing at me for that, fine, I fucked up, I'm a raging tit. When we were moving the poles, I tripped, and the pole smacked me in the head, damn near knocked me out, and he yells at me because his end bounced.
BOUNCED.
Fucking little shit. LITTLE. TINY. SHIT. things that normal people brush off as laughter, just for some reason, today, are driving me fucking MAD. I'd smoke some pot, but quite frankly, I dont WANT my mood to end. I'm feeding off it for some reason.

I cant particularly fathom myself at the moment. I feel like I'm a waste of skin, but at the same time, like I'm the only one I care about. FUCK I CANT KEEP MY MIND STRAIGHT.

Sometimes I feel like I should just go back to lloydminster, where hating myself and my surroundings is so normal. But of course, I know thats the foolish thing to do.
In regards to my title, a New Breed. Its of hatred. inconsolable, illogical, and completely irrevokable, hatred, towards myself and yet towards nothing. And I hate that it exists. I can't stand being in a bad mood. As I had to explain to Inego earlier, inevitably, I say something to someone, either with a tone of voice, or a statement, or something, and I hate myself later because I made them feel bad. I HATE making people feel bad. and in turn, I hate myself for that, I have my asshole streak like anyone else, but I was raised to be a self sacrificing, for the better good kind of person, and no matter how far off the path I was raised on I tread, I'm still the same. I throw myself under the bus of remorse, and realize teh only way to ever permanently curb it, is to ACTUALLY throw myself under a bus, which in retrospect would be a bad idea, not nearly a high enough percentile guarantee of death.

Its not that I'm ACTUALLY suicidal. Far from it. The next post is just how I feel about the day (and you'll notice, maybe, at least I know, it never comes out how I actually feel, its only a shred of what I WANT to express) . Just fed up with never having answers. Just like every other fucking person on the planet. However unlike other people, not all, but many, I brood about it. I need the WHY to everything. I'm terrible at signals from people, so I need to be told very blunt, if a girl is interested, y'know what, even if they dont wanna date, or there's someone else vieing for the spot, just SAY so, personally I'd rather be heartbroken than not know whats going on. If someone doesnt call, and they're just like "oh, sorry"
NO GOD DAMMIT, WHY THE FUCK COULDNT YOU AT LEAST CALL. it takes all of TWO seconds. Personally I cant stand not calling, if I miss a call, I'll call as soon as I remember and pretty much beg forgiveness. Except to collections agencies. they can shove it up their asses.
But its the WHY that drives me. When people stop talking to me, all I want is to know why, and they can go about their hating me. Good for them. When I was growing up, if I couldnt make a tower stand up, WHY?

ALL I WANT IS TO UNDERSTAND.

the problem, is that I cant understand unless its explained to me. Volunteer?

Curious

So. I met someone new. So new. so refreshing, and in her own words while walking...we match. I like her. But everytime I try to say something to her in the direction of.....a date or, is there a chance of us dating, I just get tongue tied. SO so tongue tied. She makes me blush and smile ear to ear. So my personal dilemma, is how do I jump the barrier, and tell her how interested I am, and yet maintain a friend, because I'd probably actually cry if I lost her as a friend AND a chance with her. Since I dont really have a nickname for her, I wont name her in here as of yet. Things I know I like, she's smart, like, SMART. She seems to really enjoy being around me, and we have good music similarity. She's into a bit heavier metal than I am, but other than that, very similar. Neither of us are really boozers (yea I know I have my moments, but I keep them down for the most part in the grand scheme) She's a pothead, where I'm not as bad, but I dont mind because she's not a DUMB pothead, it just gives her mind somewhere to be. I'm kinda getting into it myself a bit. She's excessively sarcastic, which I dont really MIND, I kinda like, but sometimes it gets a little far, but hey, people arent perfect and its part of what makes her the way she is, so I dont mind in the least.

And naturally I think she's attractive, or else I wouldnt be as interested (its not shallow, its normal, people who arent physically attracted, arent really interested in a sense of things)

but I dont think she's just attractive. I think she's absolutely, utterly and in every way GORGEOUS. she lives in a small town just outside of Calgary, and not having a car anymore, the couple times she has come in, she just spent the night. Friday night, her phone rang, and she crawled to go get it, and I havent been so turned on in easily almost a year. It was un, freaking, believable. She's fit, goes to the gym regularly, likes video games, has an adorable smile, and doesnt dress in any excessively stylized way. she doesnt LOOK like a stoner, or a metal head, or anything. She just has her own.

Obviously I'm going on a bit. But yeah, I thought I'd say, someone new is around. and my God I like her. haha. If I somehow luck out and she's interested....I'll let anyone who reads know.

In other news, I bought God of War 2, and Command & Conquer: the First Decade. GoW2 is so much fun, haha, one of the more amusingly violent games I've ever seen. The puzzles are fairly minor, but the creativity in killing creatures is highly entertaining. Ripping out a cyclops eye? very cool. As for C&C, I've been looking for them for ages, I spent 15 bucks on getting the Red Alert discs, only to find out they only run on Windows 98 or 95 haha. But the First Decade compilation has them ALL. C&C, Red Alert 1 & 2, Tiberian Sun, Generals and Renegade. plus, all the expansions. its awesome. So between C&C, GoW2, and spending friday and saturday with the girl I like, its been a pretty rippin weekend. Her and I went and got our lips repierced too haha. Actually, I wanted SO badly, to kiss her before we did, just....couldnt do it. She's got me completely tussled in the head.

Disgusting

I hate myself.
My past,
my honesty
my idiocy,
I hate me.


I pray to God I havent royally fucked up.