Isolation

Do you ever have that feeling like you dont have a real home? I'm home for the weekend, and all I can think is that this is the one place, that I dont want to be. I'm not happy, I'm uncomfortable, and I'm remembering exactly why I left lethbridge in the first place. Maybe it started somewhere this afternoon who knows. My sister picked me up for the trip down, and then we got stuck at a store trying to pick up some things for my brother, who idiotly never paid for those things, so we had to wait around till all that got sorted out. Then we went to meet my dad, and my dad being impatient, wanted to leave RIGHT then, instead of sitting down, having somehting to eat, and waiting for my sister to be ready. Yes, my sister was slacking and not being ready was her own fault, yes, my dad has been on the road for a week with a new driving job and was tired. But really, when you take a driving job, how can you expect to NOT be tired and on the road all day long? Kinda counter productive dont you think? But really, she's his freakin DAUGHTER, what's it going to kill him to just wait ONE more hour, out of the last WEEK?? She was crying it obviously upset her, why not just wait? Anyways. The drive down was 2 hours of awkward scattered conversation, because I really didnt WANT to talk to him. I had nothing to say. I dont like coming home anymore. I'm dont feel welcome in my parents home. I'm the black sheep of the family, in case you may have not realized. When I'm down I like to try and see all of my old friends, and my family, and fit everyone in. Alot of my friends sort of conglomerate at one house, which incidentally is the same house every time, and my parents are starting to accuse me of not wanting to see my own family. Which while thats horseshit........its almost starting to be true. I Get here, and I dont want to be here. All I get is argued with and told what I should be doing that coincides with THEIR way of thinking, and when I bring up my points of view, its "wrong wrong wrong worldy wrong". And so now I'm in lethbridge, I dont know how I'm going to get back to Calgary in time for monday night (I bought Transformers tickets), and I might have to miss the parade in order to GET back, which is one of the main reasons I came down in the FIRST place. And I'm starting to think I'd just be better off at home alone in my chair having a beer being just as bored as I always am. I dont know. I'm just getting a really shitty feeling about the entire weekend. Maybe its because I'm a complete retard in the world of girls. Wanna hear another story? probly not. Suck it up, you're reading MY blog bitch. So 2 weeks ago my roommate had a girl over, and I asked "new gf?" he's like, I hope so, so I didnt talk to her. TRIED to keep my distance. Bro's before Ho's kinda thing. after her being over a couple times we'd talked, nothing major, but we started to talk on msn, and eventually, she tells me she likes me. and my roommate had said in passing that it was just friends, nothing happening. and I like the girl. so we've hung out. but then her and my roommate had some tension or something, so they had a talk, and since then, she barely talks to me, is back to hanging out with him, and someone on my facebook wrote "I'm in love with your roommate". So what the hell am I supposed to do? The only 2 other girls I'm interested in, one is an 18yr old girl who pretty much doubts everything I say so whats the point in trying to chase her, and the other has turned into a pretty good friend, but while she knows I'm interested, she's one of thsoe girls who dodges questions, and naturally, I assume that means shes NOT interested, but I dont actually know. Maybe she's just shy. Money is back on my mind. I eliminated another debt this week. You'd think I'd be happy. But now my income tax is due, plus my bills, plus rent, plus I need to get a vehicle soon. And I want to move out on my own this fall.

What fucks with my head, is how last night I went to a party, where I'd literally known NO ONE. I as talking to some girl on the net, she invited me to a party. and I was MORE comfortable there, talking to these random people, than I am at home. To my parents. Maybe its because I have to turn off who I am at my parents house. I can't talk freely, I cant joke about the things I like to laugh about, I cant talk like I do, they know nothing about my dating/personal life, and yet they're my parents they think they do. And they're not dumb, I assume they nknow more than I've told them, but they dont know it all. and I cant just go telling them everything, because I guarantee, they'll break down and cry. and my Dad would probably ask me to leave. Not even kidding. All the time I'm home they bring up these things that I know I do, that they're like "if you ever did this, it would break our hearts, we'd have lost our son, we're so glad you dont" And its things I do somewhat even regularly in my life. IE. Drink, swear, sex life, date outside of the church I was raised in, pot (much rarer), etc etc.

I'm not the person they think I am. and I dont like being around them because I dont want to drag them down, but I dont want to change who I am, just to fit their mould. because then I wont be happy. Then again I'm not happy as is. but they'll never understand and accept who I am, because they dont WANT to understand and accept how I am. so I suppose I'll never be 'at home' again. Its days like this I truely feel alone. I know I'm not, but I just feel like I am. I want to just go out walking, or rollerblade, or something. But its lethbridge and I dont want to stand in the wind for an hour. I'd like to go to the mall or just downtown or something, but I have no car.


I feel entirely isolated. And I hate it.

Obliterate

FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCKING SHIT FUCK FUCK!

The girl in the last couple posts. She was honest. she TOLD me she wasnt interested. I knew she'd find someone eventually. I even had an idea who it would be. I was right. and They're together. and this is BREAKING me. I havent been this mad since the M'Lady scenario. not at her even. part of me wants to lash out. but she WAS honest, and there's no fault to it. I'm just hating myself for falling for her so hard. I seriously just want to fight. and fight NOW. I want to punch a hole in someone's head, and get knocked out, all at the same time. I HATE BEING ALONE.