my brand of crazy
There are so many things I just do NOT understand, as much as I would love to say I do. I do understand you wanting time to yourself, weeks, months even, I get that, I do. I understand you wanting to do nothing except whats best for your son, and I understand that you've gone through so much in the last few weeks, I'm a terrible person for evening saying all this, and I DO apologize. But if I dont say it I'll explode, its the answers I need.
What I do not understand, is why we need to talk so little and so COLDLY. it was like over night from "xoxo I miss you, elephant shoes, can't wait to see you " to no replies and "ok talk to you later".
Even if you want time to yourself, or us talking less, what I dont see is why once a week you cant just write a long email, and actually FILL ME THE FUCK IN, on things happening in your life. You've effectively blocked me from knowing anything current and important. I know you're working on a new job, if you're making a logo maybe I could help, AS A FRIEND. Talking a little less often I can see, even flirting less, yes I can wrap my head around that, but to shut it all off? thats cold, and you're acting like its impossible for us to keep talking. And in taking this new job I cant talk to you on facebook because you'll be at home and dont want the drama, I can't call you because your cell is fucked (unless you got a new one and just didnt say anything, which is another kick in the balls), and you made me promise to never call the house. I understand you dont want the drama, but MONTHS without so much as words from you? I'm going CRAZY.
You said to me 2 days ago, 'the harder I fell the more confused I got'.....WHATS CONFUSING!? you said I made you happy and you're the one person who makes me smile ear to ear, what exactly confused you so bad? I know you're with someone else, but you arent happy with him, and you never kiss him, sleep with him, whats so confusing about loving someone else? and dont even try to tell me you dont love me. Either you did and SOMETHING PARTICULAR changed it, or you still do. I love you. I was dead serious about EVERYTHING I said. I want to marry you and spend my LIFE with you. And the most painful part, is that even if you need space, saying "I dont want you to wait", DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT HURTS? I would rather be told "I think you're a player and I dont like you or want you in my life", and be given a chance to defend myself, than "dont wait for me, you'll find someone else". That just sounds like you see no future, or YOU found someone else. If you say "I dont want you to wait for me" I dont hear the wait for me part, all it sounds like is "I dont want you".
This entire thing, I think I've been pretty good about, and if I make you happy the way you said I do, I dont know why we can't be.
At the same time, a couple weeks ago you said "everytime I talk to you I just want to maul you". Was that just a load of crap, or do you actually like me so much (the way I like you), that you're afraid that if you so much as talk to me, you wont take the time you need to be yourself, because you'll be all over me? that just sounds conceited from my side, and I dont know whats the case.
What's in your head? do you miss me? do you still think about me? You have so many things to deal with, you have things to distract you, your parents situation, the home situation (which I hope you get out of there SOON), your job, a new job, your son, having a multi-week house guest. Those things can take up your mind. I dont have that. I have work and home. and While I AM living my life, so you cant say "go live it", THIS IS MY LIFE. and I have alot of downtime. what do I think about? YOU. ALWAYS. YOU.
All this time I'm going a bit loopy, and you were all worried because "oh you said some red flag things, like 'I dont know what I'd do without you'", Its because I love having you around so much I let it become my life! All these OCD neurosis thoughts, all that paranoia I have, when I hear your voice, it SHATTERS....just evaporates....and I'm left with you it my minds eye, forehead to forehead, that smile, those eyes, and you telling me you love being with me.
Obviously my mind gets away from me. But when i have you near, or answers, these things dont affect me. its just because I dont know WHY things are happening. I mean, you always told me you can never be YOU anymore because you life wiht him, but yet you do what the doctor says and stay at home 'relaxing' with him, so that you can feel more like yourself? why not just take a little extra stress now, get out, move, and THEN take all the downtime you need, on your own, feeling PURELY like YOU.
I'm sorry I failed to understand you the way you needed. I really do love you, I only want you to be happy. I just wish, with all my heart, that I could be there beside you.
What I do not understand, is why we need to talk so little and so COLDLY. it was like over night from "xoxo I miss you, elephant shoes, can't wait to see you " to no replies and "ok talk to you later".
Even if you want time to yourself, or us talking less, what I dont see is why once a week you cant just write a long email, and actually FILL ME THE FUCK IN, on things happening in your life. You've effectively blocked me from knowing anything current and important. I know you're working on a new job, if you're making a logo maybe I could help, AS A FRIEND. Talking a little less often I can see, even flirting less, yes I can wrap my head around that, but to shut it all off? thats cold, and you're acting like its impossible for us to keep talking. And in taking this new job I cant talk to you on facebook because you'll be at home and dont want the drama, I can't call you because your cell is fucked (unless you got a new one and just didnt say anything, which is another kick in the balls), and you made me promise to never call the house. I understand you dont want the drama, but MONTHS without so much as words from you? I'm going CRAZY.
You said to me 2 days ago, 'the harder I fell the more confused I got'.....WHATS CONFUSING!? you said I made you happy and you're the one person who makes me smile ear to ear, what exactly confused you so bad? I know you're with someone else, but you arent happy with him, and you never kiss him, sleep with him, whats so confusing about loving someone else? and dont even try to tell me you dont love me. Either you did and SOMETHING PARTICULAR changed it, or you still do. I love you. I was dead serious about EVERYTHING I said. I want to marry you and spend my LIFE with you. And the most painful part, is that even if you need space, saying "I dont want you to wait", DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT HURTS? I would rather be told "I think you're a player and I dont like you or want you in my life", and be given a chance to defend myself, than "dont wait for me, you'll find someone else". That just sounds like you see no future, or YOU found someone else. If you say "I dont want you to wait for me" I dont hear the wait for me part, all it sounds like is "I dont want you".
This entire thing, I think I've been pretty good about, and if I make you happy the way you said I do, I dont know why we can't be.
At the same time, a couple weeks ago you said "everytime I talk to you I just want to maul you". Was that just a load of crap, or do you actually like me so much (the way I like you), that you're afraid that if you so much as talk to me, you wont take the time you need to be yourself, because you'll be all over me? that just sounds conceited from my side, and I dont know whats the case.
What's in your head? do you miss me? do you still think about me? You have so many things to deal with, you have things to distract you, your parents situation, the home situation (which I hope you get out of there SOON), your job, a new job, your son, having a multi-week house guest. Those things can take up your mind. I dont have that. I have work and home. and While I AM living my life, so you cant say "go live it", THIS IS MY LIFE. and I have alot of downtime. what do I think about? YOU. ALWAYS. YOU.
All this time I'm going a bit loopy, and you were all worried because "oh you said some red flag things, like 'I dont know what I'd do without you'", Its because I love having you around so much I let it become my life! All these OCD neurosis thoughts, all that paranoia I have, when I hear your voice, it SHATTERS....just evaporates....and I'm left with you it my minds eye, forehead to forehead, that smile, those eyes, and you telling me you love being with me.
Obviously my mind gets away from me. But when i have you near, or answers, these things dont affect me. its just because I dont know WHY things are happening. I mean, you always told me you can never be YOU anymore because you life wiht him, but yet you do what the doctor says and stay at home 'relaxing' with him, so that you can feel more like yourself? why not just take a little extra stress now, get out, move, and THEN take all the downtime you need, on your own, feeling PURELY like YOU.
I'm sorry I failed to understand you the way you needed. I really do love you, I only want you to be happy. I just wish, with all my heart, that I could be there beside you.
posted by brokenhalo76 at 10:20 AM
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