Robes of Ponder

Music: Creed - Don't Stop Dancing

So, its 1 in the morning, on a saturday, I'm sitting around in pajama pants and a blanket draped over my shoulders. I'm sitting here, and I'm trying to think, and ponder things, and I can't, its like my brain is shut off. (Music: Third Eye Blind - Slow Motion) Its like no matter what topic I start on, I seem to trail off into this black zone of complete.....blank. I've had this amazingly slack day. Got out of bed at one in the afternoon, was at work by two thirty. Didn't really work, let the co worker do almost everything, I just ripped cd's on my laptop all night. Maybe I'm just really bored. We've all been there right? This doesnt feel like my typical emo night, where everything is centered around some specific happening. Tonight is just, weird. (Music: System of a Down - Dammit (cover)) So it's really hard to type this out, I get half way through a sentence and my mind drifts off into that big blank void, and the one thing I can think about is how much I really want to see the Nurse. She's been on my mind more than normal lately. She's kind of scared I like her so much, and I'm starting to see why. I don't want to come across creepy, but I could see what she means if I am. I sigh. (Music: Social Code - I Was Wrong) I sigh and I dream. I think of sweet nothings and the chances that could be, if only. If only. God I hate that term. Every time I think "what if" or "if only", I start to day dream about the countless possibilities of things I COULD be doing, I COULD be back paving, making money, seeing the Nurse, I could be in Calgary, working some other job, trying to make a living, I could be at home, saving more money. I could, I could I could. But no matter what (Music: Jimmy Eat World - My Sundown), I know, that all these things are NOT happening, and it's really pointless to dwell on those thoughts. Live in the moment, not the past, not the future, not the possibility. Only now. Now is what matters, right?

I wish I could move to Edmonton, or the Nurse here. Actually, I wish both of us could move to Calgary. I love it there. Well, I totally just spent half hour on the phone with the Nurse instead of writing, so I'll just end this here.

Autumn is Nigh

Truly a day of autumn. The growing breeze turns to a whipping wind as it creates a miasma of colors in the trees, leaves shower down into traffic, and people begin to don a weatherly modest apparel. Cloudless skies no longer sear the eyes and skin, but seem to be farther away than usual, and there's a faint crisp chill in the air, only recognizable by a lost sense.

I was riding my bike to work today, the orange, yellow, green and occasional brown leaves started to ripple through my spokes, rustle my hair and fill the air after every fresh gust of wind hits each tree. It was was one of those entirely serene moments where a part of your mind is engulfed in that exact second, for all eternity, only to examine and appreciate the golden sight of life we always seem to ignore. I was very happy for that moment. Almost ran my bike into a tree because of it, but happy none the less. I wish I could go on one of those dates you see in movies, where the snow is 2 feet thick on the ground, and its fresh, pure, no marks. Where the snow is falling thick, fluffy, and the air isn't too cold, where I can take her hand and just walk, around a lake...or around a town square, looking at the lights. God I'm emo some days. And I can give it credit to her. Yeah, her. M'lady. First time I've thought about it in a while, but its not so much her I miss, I've put myself past that, forcefully mind, but past. Its the situations. The perfect dates, the chance of doing the things I've always wanted. Holding someone I love in the rain watching the steam rise off a lake. Carrying her around on my back in the rain, just running, and laughing. Hiking, swimming, and yes, even chillin out in our skivvies, on the roof of my car, listening to 80's tunes. I couldnt get enough of it then. I never could now. I like a lady, the Nurse. She came and spent a week at our house (I moved back out with Bro), and then we went to Edmonton for her birthday. The day she got here she was exhausted from the bus, and she fell asleep on my couch. I couldnt help but put a blanket over her and just watch for a bit. She's an awesome girl. And for some reason, interested. Which, is totally turning out to kick me in the ass. She lives in Edmonton, and her parents are crazy. I honestly think they're crazy. But I finally got my student loan cancelled, I'm sending in the new application tomorrow, I'll know in 3 weeks or so if I'm a school guy or a paver. If I'm a school guy, my job will be able to pay for me to visit the Nurse, which means I might ask her out. give it a shot long distance. I HATE long distance, but if I could make it up there once a month or every other month or something.....y'know? And if I'm a paver, I could be there every other weekend, so it'd be easy to try. Would it be worth it? Well, I think so, but I wouldnt really KNOW unless we tried, would I?

So I'm at work. And this guy who looks like the scrawniest version of the Hunchback of Notre Dame comes in, checks a lottery, fails, leaves. Whatever. Now he's back. Tried to buy about 50 bucks worth of fuel and tobacco, aaaand his credit card was declined. So now he's been spending half hour here creepin out the other customers, beggin me to let him off. Fuck that buddy, you're info is mine fooker. Now he's gone. Hurray no more creepy guy!

Ok, its like, 5 hours later, I'm at home, and I TOTALLY lost my train of thought. So I finish. Fuck you.