Lies and Flies

I hate lying. Especially when you know damn well the person you're avoiding answering KNOWS what you're lying about. I cant tell her I want more. How can I? She doesnt want more. its not like in my head where all she wants is to HEAR that I want her. She. Is. Not. Interested. Why can't I just accept it? Oh yeah, because she's unbelievable. She's not dumb, she's very sharp, I know she knows how I feel, but I get lost thinking about it and get caught when she asks me whats on my mind.


We spent all day together, and it was a gongshow. She completely blew me off last night. 3rd time she's basically refused to crash here, and she should know I wont make a move, I wont even sleep in the same room as her. She then proceeded to take a HALF HOUR to come out of her friends apartment, which is all of TEN blocks away. And wasnt even ready so an hour long detour later we finally left for the mountains which we never got to because of the truck going off the road. Then she had to meet my brother, and my parents. How ruthless. She USED to be cuddly, she USED to be interested, and she USED to act like it.....here and there, she still is......but the rest of the time she acts like she couldnt care less if I died. I'm just.....there.

On top of it all, I almost rolled my truck with her in it, which wouldve killed us both. She semi cuddled on the way home, but as soon as a slow song came on the radio, she sat bolt upright. basically curled up in a corner and barely looked at me.
This is tearing me up. I cant tell her on here or msn or the phone, thats cowardly. I HAVE to tell her in person. but if I do, I run a high risk of losing out on many more months of her as a friend than I already did when she had a bf. I dont know what to do...

Painful Silence

Black felt comfort,
warm and soft,
A quiet hum.

Slow radience
heat waves roll up my flesh
the empty space beside me
keeps me cold

empty air screams
its silent haunting call
reminder

soft light, a faint breath
odor unascernable
silence.

silence.

silence.

Find me.

---------------------------


Sometimes, being alone is more of a physical feeling than an emotion. but the combination of the two. I've had alot of friends lately, I've been out and about, seen family, friends, work, and yet just now, I'm sitting here watching the fights on TV, and I feel so, so painfully alone.
Almost like a lonesome winter walk, when snow falls, so quietly its deafening, every step in the soft snow crunches, almost loud enough to wake a child.....but soft and comforting. I'm terrible at describing how I feel.

Letters

Good lord. Every time I see you my knees turn to butter, my stomach ties in knots, I smile, and I lose all coherent thoughts. To touch your skin is to have fabric of milk slide under my fingers. God you're beautiful. Its all I want to say. to scream. My entire body reaches to hold you close and kiss those lips..... to tell you I love you.

I think I may be a bit of a glutton for punishment. I'll do virtually anything to spend time with her, because I cant never get enough of seeing her.....but its torture to be with her, because I know I'll never have her.

Strange

Isnt it odd, how the smallest of things, can make your life just that much happier?