Fate, Incarceration, Omnipotence...

Had a discussion with a co-worker today. Discussing fate, soul mates, reincarnation and god's potential of omnipotence. I think I've discussed this before but I'm too lazy to go back through and look. So, moving onward, she was thinking, due to a past heard theory, that we all have 9 lives with our current soul (no, we arent all feline in some way) And that if you've really found your soulmate, through out all 9 lives, you'll somehow end up with that same soul to be with. I myself don't think so, I think we create our own soulmates, that throughout the choices we make, we decide on different things that are necessary in the person we want to be with. Fate can be thought of along the same lines, that we make our own. So the question resides, fate: self made or pre-ordained? Personally I think God is omnipotent to the point where he knows all our POSSIBLE decisions, and all the consequences coinciding to each, he also knows the PROBABLE choice we will make, however there is still the chance we dont make that, hence why he knows all other options. Confused yet? Wait till I get going! Personally I dont like the idea of reincarnation, for reasons I dont need to get into because its long and drawn out. This post is over tonight, my damn roommate threw off my train of thought. I'll come back and edit it sometime. Rock on people.

The Choices We Make...

...make us who we are. Its true, I think, on a level that only some can comprehend. You have to allow your choices to be made, and allow them to affect your life, in order for them to make you. The last few days have been really hard for me, I've been thinking alot. I was in Edmonton on the weekend visiting friends, and a girl I was spending time with on saturday (we'll dub her, The Nurse) really caught my attention. Now, I have a thing, some people aay omens are silly superstition, but I think at the right time, there are things that can tell you whats coming in the future. Kinda weird because as I sat next to her, she opened a fortune in a pop lid (yea, lame theory, I know) and it said "Stop searching, happiness is sitting next to you". I kept the lid, I'm going to make a keychain out of it. But it was the moment she opened the door that really caught me. I like people who can be very up front, and the first thing she did was ask for a hug, and I thought it was shockingly adorable. As the day passed I found myself picking out the little things in her that made me like her more and more. Yes, it was the first time I'd ever met her, however I've known her for a year and a half, we've almost always gotten along, and she's brilliant. The best part about her is her smile. She has this small mouth, and she throws on this little grin while she purses her lips, and it makes me laugh to myself every time. I love it. I found her doing alot of the same things I do, for example, she kept trying to give me food and drinks, and I wasnt hungry. I do that to my own guests all the time. The day wore on however, and I felt really bad, because I left to go drinking with some other people, when I'd originally promised to drink with her, and the others were being flaky and wouldnt come. She had another guy over though and yeah, I dont think she's interested in me that much. A little bit, I think she is, but not enough to do something about it. Whereas I've been finding ways and reasons to go back to edmonton whenever I can. I was on the verge of moving up there, if it was worth it, but that would probably freak her right out. She did tell me to call her lots more often, but that could just be her being bored and wanting a voice to talk to. Besides, there are other guys I know she's far far more interested in. I'm typically not a jealous person, well, not openly, but I do get very jealous. I just bottle it up better than most. I sigh, and I feel lonely once again. Oi vay.

So on top of the whole "I really like her and I dont know what to do about it" thing, school has been throwing me way off. Last spring I applied for a student loan for the summer semester, and was accepted, now, they say yes, then you reply, then they send you a big receipt, which you're supposed to send back. I changed my mind about the summer semester, so I never sent it back, but I forgot to cancel it. So now I need to get one for the fall semester, and I cant change my online application because I dont have my transcript since I'm out of town for the summer, and I cant get ahold of them on they're phone service because they're a flaming pile of crap put together by the government with no where near the number of appropriately needed staff. SO, I dont know if I'll have enough money for the semester, because I promised Bro that I'd move back out with him, seeing as Diddy is moving home and Bro cant afford it all on his own. Plus I'll need a laptop, and a tablet. I guess my speakers are on hold.

So with those two major issues on the line, my mind has been racing all over the place. There are smaller things involved too. I hate lethbridge, I want out so bad there are almost claw marks on the city limits. When I'm in Edmonton, people actually call me, they WANT to hang out. When I'm at home, my phone can gather a half in layer of dust before it rings. Bro and my family are the only things really holding me there. I really want to go to calgary, I love calgary, its right by the mountains, my nephews are there, its amazing for me. But all my friends are in edmonton, which reminds me of an oversized dusty, badly laid out version of lethbridge. So on one hand, I want to move to calgary, be with my nephews, and the mountains and go from there, and on the other hand, I want to be in edmonton, with my friends and a girl I can go after who I think is really worth the time. Keep in mind, I ONLY date a girl, if I could see it working out permanently. I'll keep company, have fuck buddies, friends, whatever, but I'll only ever DATE someone, solidly date, if I could see myself married to her. So thats why I'm all head over heels about The Nurse. Mind if she ever reads this I'm totally pooched, she'll think I'm a complete freak........ah well, what can ya do.

So, to top this all off, I want to get a start on my business which I plan on opening in the next year, a web design business, the problem with THAT, is I dont know if I'm ready. I know the stuff, but I'll need at least a 10K bank loan for a Mac, desk, office supplies, better laptop, programs, camera, etc. And I need to have clients lined up as proof I have a solid business idea so the bank will GIVE me said loan.

So I have a few things on my mind. Remember, with all of this, I'm not even at home, I'm living out of a hotel in a podunk town in the middle of freakin no where trying to get this all taken care of. Not that easy I've noticed. So yeah, this is my life. If you have any suggestions, make them, by all means. What the bloody HELL should I do???

Theory of Self Image

Ok so I've been pondering this for a couple days now off and on. When you look down at yourself, see your body, legs, arms, etc and you think to yourself, "so this is how I look to others, man I'm scrawny" or beefy or whatever you say to yourself. personally, I think I look scrawny. But then I look in a mirror, and I see a more beefy body, more astute look, a more confident person, and I wonder, which is it that other people see when they see me? do they see the scrawny self or the more confident one? Or is my own self viewing backwards, and I'm hallucinating? So I wonder, do other people have the same occurance? where they see a different person in the mirror than they do in life? And I think more, if the mirror is right, that should be a way to boost self confidence, or is it wrong to try to boost yourself by seeing a possibly incorrect viewing, which would create a false confidence? Why is it, that even though someone can look in a mirror and see a good strong, confident self, they can't admit thats what they are? What causes these inefficiencies in us all? Anyways, thought I'd mention it.