Disbelief

It never fails. It astonishes me everyday, while I look out the window, and at the clock. Its raining again, or it was, an hour ago. I sit here, in this dirty piece of shit hotel room, and I watch the minutes, hours, days, just tick away, and I wait until I can do some work, and earn my hundred dollars each day. I wait, because I know, in 48 hours, I'll be in another city, and within 5 days, I'll be home. (Music: Staind - Outside)

Its been a long, and incredibly swift 9 weeks. I remember the day I left to come work, leaving at 9 in the evening, my mom freaking out because I was leaving the city to live. The 8 hour drive to some podunk little town, piling into a hotel at 3 in the morning, where I havent even seen the face of the man I'm to live with for 2 months. Kind of intimidating, for the first week when you dont even know what a grader is, and I'm supposed to be a paver. I suppose I caught on in time. The 2 weeks I was in the Calgary area actually feels like it was last year. Time seems to just blend together into one giant miasma of a work day. And whats strange, while the days I dont work go by, I know there are a million and two things I could be getting done, but I'm not. And seeing what a waste of my life I'm doing, its depressing. And yet I dont really ever get around to changing it, all these things I should be doing with my spare time, and I sit and never fix my life. I feel like the whole last 20 years of my life has been a failure, I've let people down by not being what could be. (Music: In Flames - Cloud Connected) But yet I still sit on the computer, and wait until I can go earn my hundred dollars each day. I sit, and I wait...

Ramblings of Ill Content

Swallow your pride, let it choke you from the inside.
Open your mouth, put your soul in my bowl
Reap and sow, let it all flow.


Ill content is only in your mind.
Are we ever that far from our goal?
Its just right there, why not take it
Steal it from the air.


I had no point with this. I'm just really bored.

The Most Useless Post Ever

So, I just had, the worst shower EVER. I was all chillin out, mellow, sittin in the tub just enjoyin a warm shower, and the fucker goes ICE ASS cold. I'm in a hotel, so yeah, people flush and turn on taps, but it usually doesnt affect it quite so much, and in the room, the only tap is IN the bathroom, so I was like WHAT THE SHIT. And to top it off, when I try to adjust the tap, it literally turns so hot it burns me. FUCK. My shower hates me. So now I'm sitting on a hotel bed, in my boxers, wrapped in a blanket, bored off my ass, trying to think of something to do, so I type in here.

Music: Corrosion of Conformity - Damned for All Time

So, I've eaten nothing but toast, donuts and coffee today. holy shit, I am the King of a Balanced diet. So, one week till I'm done work. Its now been 4 days I havent worked, and I think my budget just got cut WAY short. I better get the website job for this, or I'm fucked up shit creek.

Music: Killswitch Engage - The End of Heartache

I'm of two minds about work right now. I'm kind of homesick, I miss my actual HOME, my computer, my bike and Bro, and the few friends I do have. I hate my teachers, and I have a shit load of stress to deal with when I get back in the first week. I'll have 4 days to cancel a prior student loan, apply for a new one, get a tuition deferment, pack up my entire room, move to a new place, be ready for school, ready to camp with my family, make sure my job is in place, and I'm supposed to hang out with about 20 people during this. Heelllllllll no. So to top all that off, going home means I only make about 600/month, which would all go to bills, I'd have an extended yet strangely limited social life, (music: Jimmy Eat World - My Sundown) I'll have to deal with prickass teachers, the possibilty of not getting a student loan and therefore having to drop school.

Now, if I were to stay on here, I could probly do correspondance school, but I'd never have time to work AND do my assignments, too much. But I'd be making 2800/month, or more if I got a raise, I could take over a lease on an '04 Chevy with a 6" lift, and afford it. I'd be out of lethbridge, I could visit people all over, I'd get to see the coast, and if I really stayed on long, possibly even Australia. I get free housing, even if it is a fecking hotel, and I can pick up on hot girls at the bar. Downside, I'd never be able to hang out with people when I wanted.

It really is a hard decision, but I know I need school, so back I go /sigh/ So I guess I'll chance it. If it falls apart, I'll come back, and I'll have enough for Cam to keep the place and I'll give him my money for rent.

Music: Crossfade - Broken Like an Angel

So The Nurse isnt coming camping. That royally blows. But, thats life, she's goin to BC, and I'm sure she'll have a killer time. She might come down for like 4 days after though, which would be the best start of a school year EVER. Plus, the weekend after that, the 9th, is her birthday, so I'm going up to Edmonton for that.

I think I'm starting to have an issue. I'm constantly sitting around in my boxers. JUST my boxers. for no reason. and I dont give a shit who's around. I almost never wear shirts indoors anymore.....I think I've gone mental.

Music: Staind - Fade

Ever love how people jump into arguments for no particular reason, only to attempt to insult you using concepts that were already obvious and completely retarded anyways? I'll call her Barbie. Clueless, idolizes the worlds fakest whore, and thinks it makes her smart. Smooth. Then there's Bri, who I really couldnt careless about. I try to give everyone an equal shot, I really do, I had her on my msn, I even tried to hang out with her. Yet she seems to think she's hot shit because she has tits, and she's kind of a whore, so since she puts out and gets laid, she thinks she's special. Now she's on the increasingly stereotypical "I'm a dyke" rampage that seems to be sweeping the nation. Its rather annoying that everytime you turn around these days, from 14 yr olds to 40 yr olds, girls get shut down once or dumped and suddenly the world is a terrible place, they'll never find love and 2 days later they're all "lesbians". Yeah. I'm sure. Its like this bullshit theory that its genetic. Oh yeah, so suddenly the 2 penises or 2 vagina's fit together in the puzzle. mmhmm. And how are you supposed to reproduce? oh right, with the aid of guys who are willing to jizz in a cup. note. You NEED that guy. otherwise, no kiddie for YOU! Funny how they're willing to accept the guy's creampie, but they won't accept that it takes a guy to be a proper couple. Marriage, all that is, is a legal way of saying "look, we want to reproduce, lets do it together, we know it takes us both". So how can 2 guys or 2 girls be like "lets MATE!, well...hunny....I dont know how to tell you this....I'm missing the organs necessary" yeah, because you're fucking STUPID. God I hate this whole "gays are here" bullshit. yeah, gay's exist, but ONLY because they've made that choice due to the other choices, reprecussions and happenings in their life. Not because of some enlarged brain section. And gay's have been around for a long ass time. and they've always been content just humpin' away on their own time, but now they have to push to change the very definition of a word (marriage) which in itself proves its not correct. Ok I'm going to end up looping so I'll shut up now. Fuck off.

An Inner Look at the Outer Skin

I sit, I see, through the small space alloted me. Glistening surfaces broken and reborn by the mundane yet somehow poetic motion of everyday life. I feel like a voyeur, only from inside, looking out, at the world. The air ripples with every droplet.

So its been raining for 2 days up here in Lloydminster, and this spells doom for me, because I REALLY need the money, and I've already spent too much up here as is. I suppose this is God kicking me in the ass for drinking. And, as you may have guess, I only get paid for the days I work, seeing as its flat rate, daily cash pay. Well, weekly pay, but you get the idea. I spent all of yesterday vegetating in front of this cursed laptop, watching movies I had no real desire to watch, but I had nothing else to do. Its times like this I would kill for my own vehicle, I could go to Edmonton or Saskatoon or somewhere I know people. This is murder. Ironically, you'd think I'd be used to it, I really dont get out much and I'm alone alot, but I suppose when I'm at home I take the time I DO get for granted. not very nice of me is it. And so I've spent too many hours wrapped in a large fleece hotel blanket, staring at the monitor, hoping someone will come online, someone who wants to talk to me, or who appreciates my conversation, which is hard even for me half the time, because without a good stimuli, all I really talk about is girls, biking, and sex. Wow, look at me go. I think about many things much more interesting and complex, but they're only really interesting to ME, and those who study concepts of philosophy, astrology, mythology, etc. I find it all rather fascinating, but bring it up on an MSN conversation sometime, you'll be surprised how fast people shut up and stop talking to you. Its kind of depressing. And so, day by day I stare into the outside, and wonder what it's like to be the normal person, or if I am the normal person, and its just some abstract alien concept I've developed in my mind, or perhaps we all feel this way, because we ourselves don't really understand ourselves, we seem to think we're apart from everyone else, and so much different. We are different, but are we SO much different? Something to ponder.

So I went back through several posts I've made in the past, and I couldnt remember even the idea that spawned the post, for several of them, it was refreshing to see where my mind has been. Personally, it made me feel like I do have an artistic touch, some of the writings almost qualify as imcomplete poetry. I quite enjoyed it. As for anyone reading this, I don't know if they would've enjoyed it, but I can hope.

So I get to go home in a couple weeks, I'm actually semi-homesick. not for Lethbridge, mind, but for the few things I really like there. Bro, biking, my bike in specific, my parents (kind of, they call alot, so I still get aggravated at the constant questions that I can't answer over the phone). Mostly I'm excited, when I get home a friend from BC will be out visiting, and in the first weekend of september, I go camping to Waterton with my family, to run Red Rock Canyon, one of my favorite pasttimes. The Nurse might be coming. Not for sure, but I'm crossing my fingers. I really want to hang out with her, she's such a doll. Bro might come run the canyon with us, and one of my oldest friends (I'll use his online name - ReKluse) said he might come too. Which is awesome, him and I didnt talk for years until this spring, we started hanging out again. I hope its good weather, I want an early start, I want to go back to a certain spot. My oldest brother and I and his good friend went up 4 years ago we got about 7 or 8 miles back, to most likely the most perfect spot I've ever seen. it looks like the end of a shallow valley (maybe 100 feet high) and all shale, BRIGHT BRIGHT red shale, the whole area looks like it was carved into a fishbowl shape and a thundering waterfall cascades the end of it. It really makes life worth living to see a sight like this. I want to go back. And I want to show it to my friends.

The weekend after that, I'm supposed to go for The Nurse's 23rd birthday, which should be a great time. By then I'm also in school, so it'll be back into full tilt. God I love coffee on a shitty morning. Or a hot chocolate, but thats better when you can sit on a porch by a lake, wrapped in the blanket with a lovely lady who loves you back, and you can sip at it and cuddle and watch the rain fall into the lake, see the ripple from fish, and overly just enjoy nature. Sorry, I digress.

Well, thanks to a hefty digression and a brain fart from hell, I think I'm going to wrap this up. Have a good one.

High Time

You'd think by now I'd learn. It seems there's some gene in women where they're physically unable to just TELL someone they arent interested. For fucks sake. Whats worse, there's another gene in men, me specifically I seem to have a large portion of this, where I never LEARN from it. Get jerked around, try again, get jerked around, try again, and repeat. So there's Kerry, the 27 yr old amazingly hot waitress. I met her when I first pulled into Lloyd almost 2 weeks ago. Kerry is also new to town, so I think hey, why not get together, find what there is to do? She seems ok with this, but y'know, I'm just the guy in her store. So a week goes by, she seems pretty flirty, sweet, cant go wrong. Saturday comes, I go to the bar, she's there, all over me, and I got too drunk and left alone. stupid me. Then this week she seems ok, but yesterday she got sent flowers from an admirer. I'm pretty sure they think I did it, but I didnt. I have a different style with flowers. At any rate, tonight I go to the bar yet AGAIN. and she's all "fuck yea I'm there, oh yeah lets get trashed" so I go...fairly sober, waiting to get drunk with her. midnight.....1am....2am. by this time I've ran into her coworker, who looks at me like I'm a disease. Fuck her too. Some waitress who was priorly interested in my boss wants to dance. I've bought 13 shots, and several drinks, and I'm barely feeling it for some fucked up reason. I wait for her, still never saw Kerry, I'm thinking "fuck her, she coulda just said she didnt want to go out" as I wander around looking for waitress, who I never DID find, I see Kerry, with coworker. and 2 guys.


Yeah. fuck. you. too.


Why is it people can't just SAY they don't want to go with you? or they arent interested? why play them along, winking, flirting, making play, until someone has to get hurt before they fuck off. Fine. I get it. And its not like I'm emotionally hurt, I barely know the bitch, but it's a hell of a blow to the ego. Bah, fine. I wont go back into her work, and I wont talk to anyone anymore. I'll fucking hide in my little cave and let the world do its shitty little thing. If someone likes me enough, which I'm HIGHLY fucking doubting these days, they'll say something. Fuck you all. If I was any more pissed off I'd end up dead. but hey, what good'd that do, aside making people think I was some attention starved freak.

The Search of a Species

If love can be an object.
then love is the most sought after object in all mankind
and if experience shows that true love does create peace in the lovers minds
then what we all seek
is that small measure of peace, that so few of us, ever find.

Covalescense

I've had that word on my mind all week, went to look it up on dictionary.com, yeah its not a word, doesnt exist. There's coalescense, and convalescense, but not covalescense. So I have no idea where it came from. ah well. So I had another little mind quirk, and I decided to start writing whatever I could from the word 'aspire'. Here goes:

I look to the sky at night,
I sleep I sleep, I dream a dream
of desires to crave, of pursuits of life
Ambition drives, aiming to new heights
From heights I stand, looking at the land
Strewn world to consume, to live
I yearn to create, I long to fly higher
The stars welcome my wish of flight
they seek the ends, which never come
The spiral of dreams, when will it end
I look to the sky at night I see
I sleep, I sleep
I dream...


Hokey, yeah, but oh well, its what came to mind, plus, its kind of how I'm feeling right now. I get so fed up with things, people, in general. People who bend truths, people who name false promises, most of all people who while continueing to live in pain, refuse to accept help, while maintaining they'd take all the help they can get. I'm sick of hearing from people things that you know they're only saying to make you happy, while it may be unintentional, they're only hurting you worse in the long run. How many times have I heard "well, if the circumstances were different", "well, I'm not ready for that right now", while I'm no idiot, and they damn well know it. I watch my friends while I talk to them, I remember things they say, I know how they act, I'm not a retard, don't feed me bullshit. Prime example, a girl I met while staying at a hotel, was going on about how her 2 year boyfriend treats her like crap, and she dumps him and he always comes crawling back. They broke up yet again, and I told her, dont let him come back, and dont you DARE go back to him, it basically MEANS he can walk all over you. What does she do? Sends him love letters professing her undying love. Good god.

Another example, a friend from a year or so ago, "I'm not ready for a boyfriend, I really like you, but I couldnt handle the relationship" and within a week, she's dating someone or trying to date someone. Do people really think I'm so dense I can't see these things happening? Maybe I just look that stupid or something, but in reality, I'm usually not quiet around people for no reason, I may have nothing to say that has any relevance, but I stay quiet because I'm evaluating, and watching, making personal notes about people. Yet another example, last time I was hanging out with a girl, she was all "well I totally like you, but I can't, its too fast" yeah, right, because either your a whore, or your not that interested. the rest of the time I hung out with her, I watched her talk about some guy in town, or the last boyfriend she had. (note, this is the same girl as the boyfriend above)

Well, following the usual trend of using music that tends to lean towards a situation I'm having, here's another one:

SR-71 - Right Now


She clings to me like cellophane
Fake plastic submarine
Slowly driving me insane
But now that's over

So what if the sex was great
Just a temporary escape
Another thing I grew to hate
But now that's over

Why you always kick me when I'm high
Knock me down till we see eye to eye
Figured her out I know she
May not be Miss Right but she'll do right now

I used to hang on every word
Each lie was more absurd
Kept me so insecure
But now that's over

She taught me how to trust
And to believe in us
And then she taught me how to cuss ... that bitch!
It's over

I used to be such a nice boy


there. I suppose the key points are the last 3 stanzas and the last line. Women suck, but at the same time, I know its worth the shot so I keep throwing myself in headfirst. Maybe I am that stupid...if you want to comment, comment or email me if you know it, otherwise, I'm going for a shower, fuck you too.