my brand of crazy

There are so many things I just do NOT understand, as much as I would love to say I do. I do understand you wanting time to yourself, weeks, months even, I get that, I do. I understand you wanting to do nothing except whats best for your son, and I understand that you've gone through so much in the last few weeks, I'm a terrible person for evening saying all this, and I DO apologize. But if I dont say it I'll explode, its the answers I need.
What I do not understand, is why we need to talk so little and so COLDLY. it was like over night from "xoxo I miss you, elephant shoes, can't wait to see you " to no replies and "ok talk to you later".
Even if you want time to yourself, or us talking less, what I dont see is why once a week you cant just write a long email, and actually FILL ME THE FUCK IN, on things happening in your life. You've effectively blocked me from knowing anything current and important. I know you're working on a new job, if you're making a logo maybe I could help, AS A FRIEND. Talking a little less often I can see, even flirting less, yes I can wrap my head around that, but to shut it all off? thats cold, and you're acting like its impossible for us to keep talking. And in taking this new job I cant talk to you on facebook because you'll be at home and dont want the drama, I can't call you because your cell is fucked (unless you got a new one and just didnt say anything, which is another kick in the balls), and you made me promise to never call the house. I understand you dont want the drama, but MONTHS without so much as words from you? I'm going CRAZY.

You said to me 2 days ago, 'the harder I fell the more confused I got'.....WHATS CONFUSING!? you said I made you happy and you're the one person who makes me smile ear to ear, what exactly confused you so bad? I know you're with someone else, but you arent happy with him, and you never kiss him, sleep with him, whats so confusing about loving someone else? and dont even try to tell me you dont love me. Either you did and SOMETHING PARTICULAR changed it, or you still do. I love you. I was dead serious about EVERYTHING I said. I want to marry you and spend my LIFE with you. And the most painful part, is that even if you need space, saying "I dont want you to wait", DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT HURTS? I would rather be told "I think you're a player and I dont like you or want you in my life", and be given a chance to defend myself, than "dont wait for me, you'll find someone else". That just sounds like you see no future, or YOU found someone else. If you say "I dont want you to wait for me" I dont hear the wait for me part, all it sounds like is "I dont want you".

This entire thing, I think I've been pretty good about, and if I make you happy the way you said I do, I dont know why we can't be.
At the same time, a couple weeks ago you said "everytime I talk to you I just want to maul you". Was that just a load of crap, or do you actually like me so much (the way I like you), that you're afraid that if you so much as talk to me, you wont take the time you need to be yourself, because you'll be all over me? that just sounds conceited from my side, and I dont know whats the case.
What's in your head? do you miss me? do you still think about me? You have so many things to deal with, you have things to distract you, your parents situation, the home situation (which I hope you get out of there SOON), your job, a new job, your son, having a multi-week house guest. Those things can take up your mind. I dont have that. I have work and home. and While I AM living my life, so you cant say "go live it", THIS IS MY LIFE. and I have alot of downtime. what do I think about? YOU. ALWAYS. YOU.

All this time I'm going a bit loopy, and you were all worried because "oh you said some red flag things, like 'I dont know what I'd do without you'", Its because I love having you around so much I let it become my life! All these OCD neurosis thoughts, all that paranoia I have, when I hear your voice, it SHATTERS....just evaporates....and I'm left with you it my minds eye, forehead to forehead, that smile, those eyes, and you telling me you love being with me.

Obviously my mind gets away from me. But when i have you near, or answers, these things dont affect me. its just because I dont know WHY things are happening. I mean, you always told me you can never be YOU anymore because you life wiht him, but yet you do what the doctor says and stay at home 'relaxing' with him, so that you can feel more like yourself? why not just take a little extra stress now, get out, move, and THEN take all the downtime you need, on your own, feeling PURELY like YOU.


I'm sorry I failed to understand you the way you needed. I really do love you, I only want you to be happy. I just wish, with all my heart, that I could be there beside you.

Curious

There are some nights.
I have to wonder, Why am I so lonely?



Chin up, is what they tell me.



I just want someone to curl up with.

Deep Cuts

Man, this one, that hurt. 3 days of plans, gone. I stayed up until 3am last night cleaning, got up at 10 and cleaned again until 2:30 this afternoon. My house is spotless. We were supposed to go walking, head to the mall, come back and have a big dinner, and then go see a movie. She bailed on the first half so she could go run errands and pick up food to help make dinner......and then never called, never called, never called, and then after I called her, she called back and said she got called in to work on her day off. Instead of just saying she had plans and couldnt go in. But she's like "ok well it'll only be a couple hours then I'll come have a late dinner". It's 10:45 at night, and she turned her phone off when I called. Inside, this one hurt. I bought her wine, flowers, defrosted my best elk steaks, went out and bought a pile of things so I could make a nice chocolate dessert for her. And poof. I feel like that solitary candle, waiting and waiting and melting away, until I just .... go out. I think I'm going to go to bed. I'm so sad I cant even eat.

Catch Up

Its been about a month and a couple weeks. From the top.
I no longer work construction, I put in my one months notice to quit and my boss fired me on the spot, so I went and worked at MusicWorld for a month, which was a great job, even though the money was crap. I got to work with people my age, listen to good music, and spend a month working indoors. On the downside, MusicWorld has been bought out, and therefore closed forever last week, so now I'm jobless and on the job hunt. hopefully it won't take too long. Christmas wasn't exactly what I'd hoped for. I was originally going to go down to lethbridge for a week and a half. Alas, I didnt get to go down until late christmas eve, I missed pretty much all of what makes christmas CHRISTMAS for me. So I was pretty bummed out about that. It was a small christmas. nice, but very small, I got a family coat of arms (which we arent even sure is the right one) and a few things for my truck. first aid kits, tow ropes, etc. I was blown away though, I went to my close friend's house for christmas night for dinner, and they gave me a fucking GUITAR and an amp. a whole setup. I was speechless! So I've been making an active effort to get back into it and re learn to play. After the dinner I was playing cards with my friend and my brother, and I got very, VERY VERY sick, with stomach flu, so for christmas day night, and boxing day and most of the 27th, I was rediculously sick, didnt really spend all that much time wiht my family so much as sleeping trying to get over it. I came back down on New Years Eve for one of my best friends' weddings, I if you read waaaaaaaaay back to Bluefairy, she married one of my best friends Kiwi. It was a little odd, seeing my friends get married, I realized I'm getting older, and it was the first non mormon wedding I went too. Somewhat awkward hahaha. But the reception was good, laughed, talked, drank, had a great time. And another close friend of mine got drunk for only the 2nd time in his life, so it was pretty funny to watch that. I had to carry him to his house haha. The party went till about 2, we left at around 1. It was probably the best New Years I've ever had, truth be told. So to the Mr and Mrs, thanks. Now that I'm back and job hunting, its been slow goings, money is not a very happy thing in my life right now, but I've called almost all my debtors, got a list of what I owe. I'm working on reorganizing my life. I'm INSANELY smitten with a Danish girl, and she's really iffy about it because her Ex is a complete fucking tool. So thats slow goings. Bro is literally currently making out all over our basement, with this girl "Riot". He'll be getting laid tonight. I dont know when she thinks I'm supposed to drive her home, I'm going to bed in an hour or so. Its annoying though. she was somewhat flirty with me, but I knew it would never happen, and she is ALL OVER Bro. does it bother me he gets the girl? no. does it bother me he bitches about when I do and then pulls this? yes. and what REALLY pisses me off, is I have recently found out, he trash talks me. ALOT. he keeps tearing me down to every girl we both know, and the ones I dont know, talking about how I'm some raging player and to stay away from me. and THAT pisses me off. for a guy who's supposed to be my best friend, have my back, etc, what the fuck man. He knows I'm not proud of the number of girls I've slept with. I have NEVER walked around going "LOOK AT ME I'VE NAILED ** GIRLS!" . NEVER. and I never will. But he seems to take it as a personal shot. Oh well. He's on thin ice for even living here. He fades in and out of these bitchy moods, and I'm sick of it. I'm going to play a video game. maybe calm down. Later.

Wednesday

Today, fucking sucks. 2 days off work already this week, barely going to be able to afford rent. Go to work today, think all will be well, pick up some material, had Bro grab some, I grabbed some. didnt really think about what size of material he was grabbing. Get to work, start working, Bossguy screams at me for the wrong size of materials. I shouldve been watching what he was grabbing. And at the end of today, he tells me he fucked up on the wall, Bossguy is going to rip MY head off, because I wasnt watching him. He's been here for 3 months he shouldnt be so fucking slow. or need my eye so much. I'm not cutout for ranked position in jobsites. I mean, in this case at least. if something happens, I get shit because I didnt watch him. but if I scream at him for it, he's pissy cuz I'm "talking down" at him. my hands are tied. on one side I get bitched from my boss, and the other my bestfriend who I LIVE with is pissed. I cant fucking win

and then I come home, expecting to go on a date with a girl I really like, and she's ditched. Again.

Fuck I'm a waste of skin.

Holy Crap

I need a freaking girlfriend. hahaha


but instead I'm gonna go to the gym so much I dont have time for girls.
The hell with you all. always want to know whats in my head, and never letting me in yours.
on one hand, go fuck yourself. on the other, I'm always here for you.

The Distance

Myself and my words,
things I can't say anymore.


Once again I've found myself forcing myself to go numb and not feel emotions. Its the only way I'll survive. They say a mime in a glass box is the most cliche thing you can imagine....I guess I've turned my insides into a mime.

No wonder I am who I am. and I hate that.
No wonder they don't see who I was.