This Is What I Ponder
Wow. I am a fucking tard and a half. So, the other night I'm at work, and its home time, I'd sent a text to a friend of mine at about midnight (with it currently being 6:30 am, if it was that day), she's an ex of mine, from about 5 years ago. So, she'd just gotten off work, so I bummed a ride home, she chilled out and talked for a couple hours, which was cool, I almost never see her, like, never being twice in the last year. So I go to mma, train for 2 hours, thoroughly whupped by my coach, naturally. So mixed ends, and I go home. Home bringing another few hours of stress, I was having a TV delivered, and So I had to empty out my living room to fit it in. Did so, and the movers call and say it was delivered and recieved in the morning. Um NO. Turns out it was the main floor guy, who I totally trust, so it was alright, but by this time its 4pm, I havent slept since 4pm the prior day. I'm pretty burnt. So I go to mma again, got REALLY tuned this time, oh yeah, and I went and had 7 vials of blood taken at the doctors that day too, after the first session of mma. I get home and Bro and I work with the main floor guy to get my TV upstairs, it took a while, but now I have a BRAND spankin new, BEAAAAAAAAAUTIFUL FIFTY ONE INCH widescreen Hi Def TV in my shit ass apartment. WOOT! haha, so a friend comes by, we're playin some Xbox, I take a red bull, and then my ex calls, she comes over, I'm on about 8th wind by now, we play some more video games, and she says hey, come get drunk, I figured, no, I'm training, and Bro had an 8am class. But I went to just hang out. Didnt work, I got smashed, and I just re-read a series of texts her and I sent to each other while drunk, and I was obviously hitting on her, and she was plainly saying, um, hells no. WOW I'm a retard. But I was drunk right? yeah I didnt think it was a good excuse either. But yeah, at some point I recall her sitting on my lap, not sure why, especially if hitting on her wasnt working. But hey, she was drunk too. maybe now its an excuse. So, a bit of background, one of her roommates has a girlfriend. the other, supposedly 'temporary' roommate, is another ex of hers, who she knows it, and he's EXCESSIVELY obsessed with her, direly in love doesnt quite manage. It was rather amusing to see. but yeah, At some point in the night, we were laying on her kitchen floor just talking, he asked to talk to her, and suddenly she wanted to go to bed, so either they're still gettin it on, or he asked her to send me home haha whatever, so I stumble my ass home, its about 4am, and I dont wake up till the next day at...tada, 4pm. wow math is funny. So yeah, long story into an abbreviated one, I've found myself thinking if it'd be worth it to chase her again. but I'm pretty sure it wouldnt, I mean what good could POsSIBLY come from this, I'm leaving, she's not, and she's got a psycho easily jealous ex who LIVES with her, not to mention that whole, she's half bent on pot, and I'm not. Other than that, I still really enjoy hanging out with her, and while her excessive sarcasm half drives me up the wall, I LOVE it because its generally the reaction I WANT people to have more so than I typically receive. Plus she's still drop dead gorgeous, to me anyways. But its not like I have miles of options, I'd really have liked it to work out with the one girl in Calgary (the one with a kid), but, seeing as for someone who claims to be interested, I've heard from her twice in the last month and a half, and maybe a half dozen times since I met her. And I really dont have any evidence to point to a particular increase in hearing from her, which really makes me sad, I adore her. And now I'm remembering why i adored the Ex (so she'll be dubbed). Fark. I am the worlds biggest dumbass. Why can't someone invent something like an Emo-Gun, that you can put to your head, and blow all the stupid out the other side, while maintaining being alive. I have too many emotions to even POSSIBLY be healthy, because none of them flow together. Better yet, I read horoscopes daily, usually for a laugh, but sometimes they're true. About the last week, EVERY SINGLE DAY has been "stay away from emotional issues, it'll only bring more grief", so I try to, which in that respect means I just dont talk to anyone else. or those people in the situations. I just let it sit in my head and fester. and it fucking sucks. But while people claim to 'go get em', that you have to be out there and try for what you want, I honestly think, and not just being negative, that you CAN'T do that, when life wants to give you something like love, you'll get it, when it wants to give you lemons, dodge as many as you can and run like a bitch. Enough of this for now. New topic before I get too depressed.
So, I've been borrowing Bro's books lately, I'm currently reading "A Short History of Progress" by Ronald Wright. Its interesting, but a bit hard to go with sometimes. Parts of it I think are complete bullshit, while other parts I think are flawlessly presented. Concept: Man is evolved from apes. I dont buy it for a second, but I do have a theory as to that method of thinking, which I'll write in a bit. Concept: We will destroy ourselves trying to better ourselves. Its damn true. For examples from the book. Natives, Neanderthals, learned to kill bison, mammoths (respectively), then 2 of each, and finally whole herds, by driving them off cliffs. And then the meat spoiled and the people starved to death. Present day, Gunpowder, guns, cannons, bombs, now the A-bomb, which even the creators agreed shouldnt exist, it will most likely be our sticky end. In the end, mankind, believing we're superior to everything else, will become nothing more than fodder for the rest of existence. We're not civilized. We're just really stupid animals who THINK they're smarter. Lions, monkeys, those creatures which have survived non stop for millenia, in culture, in their own societies, they live WITH the planet, not on it. And dont even try to tell me they dont have societies within themselves, the most basic structure of all, a group leader, and the followers, thats societal structure on its basic roots. As to that theory about the evolution from apes. I disagree, however, if I were to think about it long enough, which I have, there is a minimal possibility, there is a theory, that in the 7 Days God took to create the world, each day was the equivalent of 1 million years in our own calendar. So while beasts and reptiles were created first, this would allow time for the dinosaurs to have died off, and for the evolution of apes to BECOME man, on the 6th Day, so to speak. Now, time frames from archeology strongly discern against this, speaking in hundreds of thousands of years of time, not millions. However it is one possible explanation, should one choose to look farther into it. I myself just happen to believe in God, and that God created us. Not so much as we are now, but as the neanderthals and cro-magnon's were. We moved on from there on our own. Some people who read this may think I'm just a fucking moron, others may think its brilliant (although those are few and far between), myself, I see it as neither, more of a way to spend one's time on this planet. While we may not have alot of time, compared to the grand scheme of things, we are here to learn, and I have a theory in goal of life, which I was telling the Ex the other night, I have no desire to know EVERYTHING about something. Well, not quite, I have no GOAL, desire is just natural. Moreso, I believe I should try to learn just something, about everything. this way, I can always put in on conversation, and I have a much broader basis of comparison and views from which I might just learn everything about something, no matter what that something may be. Heh, now see what I've gone and done? I'm rambling on, about my views, theories and methodology which is purely born from my mentality. So now I'm going to somewhat revert back to original topic, although not entirely.
I'm curious, I wonder if its even worth it to look for someone who could possibly be a match for me, I mean really, I'm leaving this town, supposedly with luck holding by April, only returning to visit and get my things and move to Calgary. I really have nothing here, aside from Bro, and he's in school and has no desire to transfer. Should I make a ploy for it and possibly have brief happiness, just to end it when I leave, which if you ask me off the top of my head is the asshole way, or should I be kind to the most likely non existant woman, and not waste her time? Hide in my house and play games, leave for work and training. We'll see. what I need is a completely neutral voice, but thats hard to come by, seeing as those who I talk to are already sick of my emo bullshit. NEW TOPIC!
So, left hand turn, I'm fighting in February, providing I can drop to a weight of 170 lbs by the 18th. I walk around at 190. So it'll be a challenge, but it seems alot of people want to come see me try to kick some shit's ass. I'm trying to train ALOT, and boost the confidence, but my work schedule has been off the freaking WALL this week, so I'm exhausted, and I still have 3 graves shifts to work before I get to sleep it off. We'll see how that goes. I went in this last morning to train, and tried to use Bro's MMA gloves, to get a feel for them, completely shredded my knuckles into nothingness, which is rather irritating since now I can't box for a few days, I have to work with conditioning. I hate conditioning. But it should help. Drinking the other night took way to much out of my to be healthy.
Do people ever tell you you're too hard on yourself? To stop being negative? I dont think they quite understand. Most of the time what I say is a joke, I don't believe it. but at the moment, I feel incredibly empty, hollow, like I'm missing something painfully evident, or just glossing over it subconciously. Part of me agrees on being hard on myself because, mainly, of the emo shit like in this post, really, that does nothing to aid anyone's life, aside from proving that I'm human, and I have weaknesses just like everyone else. I think I scare girls away. I think, quoting Joel Barrish (if you ever watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind you'll know who that is), my problem is "why do I fall in love with every girl who gives me the least bit of attention?" But I think I know the answer, I'm lonely, I know I'm like that, I'm so desperate not even for love anymore, just for that comfort in feeling of having someone who actually gives a damn, someone who wants to be there, to listen and talk to, who holds you, and can just be in the same room as you, without speaking, and know they're glad. I know my biggest fear. I partially live it everyday. I'm deathly afraid, I'm going to be alone forever. And everyday that goes by the same, I feel like I'm being pulled down with a weight and a rope, in a bottomless lake...everyday is another few inches of water I can't get back up through, smothering me, burying me alive, waiting to watch me die in anguish. Every girl this happens with, I spend the next few days losing hair, I'm stressing myself, over things that need to be relaxed, and those particular days are like adding more weight to that rope, I just sink faster, like every girl I mess up with, reduces my chances of being happy, almost as though there's only enough people out there for me to count on 2 hands. But I KNOW there's more out there. thats why I want to move out of here. Its too small. I think a larger city gives me a better chance. of forgetting this pain if nothing else. In calgary I can go to school, train, work, hide in my house and bury myself in the company of my family and nephews and neice. The last few bits that keep me happy. We'll see what happens I suppose.
I should let you all (all being the potentially.....2 people who ever read this) go in peace. Have a good whatever-part-of-the-day it is. Try not to be emo like me. Trust me, it doesnt pay off.
So, I've been borrowing Bro's books lately, I'm currently reading "A Short History of Progress" by Ronald Wright. Its interesting, but a bit hard to go with sometimes. Parts of it I think are complete bullshit, while other parts I think are flawlessly presented. Concept: Man is evolved from apes. I dont buy it for a second, but I do have a theory as to that method of thinking, which I'll write in a bit. Concept: We will destroy ourselves trying to better ourselves. Its damn true. For examples from the book. Natives, Neanderthals, learned to kill bison, mammoths (respectively), then 2 of each, and finally whole herds, by driving them off cliffs. And then the meat spoiled and the people starved to death. Present day, Gunpowder, guns, cannons, bombs, now the A-bomb, which even the creators agreed shouldnt exist, it will most likely be our sticky end. In the end, mankind, believing we're superior to everything else, will become nothing more than fodder for the rest of existence. We're not civilized. We're just really stupid animals who THINK they're smarter. Lions, monkeys, those creatures which have survived non stop for millenia, in culture, in their own societies, they live WITH the planet, not on it. And dont even try to tell me they dont have societies within themselves, the most basic structure of all, a group leader, and the followers, thats societal structure on its basic roots. As to that theory about the evolution from apes. I disagree, however, if I were to think about it long enough, which I have, there is a minimal possibility, there is a theory, that in the 7 Days God took to create the world, each day was the equivalent of 1 million years in our own calendar. So while beasts and reptiles were created first, this would allow time for the dinosaurs to have died off, and for the evolution of apes to BECOME man, on the 6th Day, so to speak. Now, time frames from archeology strongly discern against this, speaking in hundreds of thousands of years of time, not millions. However it is one possible explanation, should one choose to look farther into it. I myself just happen to believe in God, and that God created us. Not so much as we are now, but as the neanderthals and cro-magnon's were. We moved on from there on our own. Some people who read this may think I'm just a fucking moron, others may think its brilliant (although those are few and far between), myself, I see it as neither, more of a way to spend one's time on this planet. While we may not have alot of time, compared to the grand scheme of things, we are here to learn, and I have a theory in goal of life, which I was telling the Ex the other night, I have no desire to know EVERYTHING about something. Well, not quite, I have no GOAL, desire is just natural. Moreso, I believe I should try to learn just something, about everything. this way, I can always put in on conversation, and I have a much broader basis of comparison and views from which I might just learn everything about something, no matter what that something may be. Heh, now see what I've gone and done? I'm rambling on, about my views, theories and methodology which is purely born from my mentality. So now I'm going to somewhat revert back to original topic, although not entirely.
I'm curious, I wonder if its even worth it to look for someone who could possibly be a match for me, I mean really, I'm leaving this town, supposedly with luck holding by April, only returning to visit and get my things and move to Calgary. I really have nothing here, aside from Bro, and he's in school and has no desire to transfer. Should I make a ploy for it and possibly have brief happiness, just to end it when I leave, which if you ask me off the top of my head is the asshole way, or should I be kind to the most likely non existant woman, and not waste her time? Hide in my house and play games, leave for work and training. We'll see. what I need is a completely neutral voice, but thats hard to come by, seeing as those who I talk to are already sick of my emo bullshit. NEW TOPIC!
So, left hand turn, I'm fighting in February, providing I can drop to a weight of 170 lbs by the 18th. I walk around at 190. So it'll be a challenge, but it seems alot of people want to come see me try to kick some shit's ass. I'm trying to train ALOT, and boost the confidence, but my work schedule has been off the freaking WALL this week, so I'm exhausted, and I still have 3 graves shifts to work before I get to sleep it off. We'll see how that goes. I went in this last morning to train, and tried to use Bro's MMA gloves, to get a feel for them, completely shredded my knuckles into nothingness, which is rather irritating since now I can't box for a few days, I have to work with conditioning. I hate conditioning. But it should help. Drinking the other night took way to much out of my to be healthy.
Do people ever tell you you're too hard on yourself? To stop being negative? I dont think they quite understand. Most of the time what I say is a joke, I don't believe it. but at the moment, I feel incredibly empty, hollow, like I'm missing something painfully evident, or just glossing over it subconciously. Part of me agrees on being hard on myself because, mainly, of the emo shit like in this post, really, that does nothing to aid anyone's life, aside from proving that I'm human, and I have weaknesses just like everyone else. I think I scare girls away. I think, quoting Joel Barrish (if you ever watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind you'll know who that is), my problem is "why do I fall in love with every girl who gives me the least bit of attention?" But I think I know the answer, I'm lonely, I know I'm like that, I'm so desperate not even for love anymore, just for that comfort in feeling of having someone who actually gives a damn, someone who wants to be there, to listen and talk to, who holds you, and can just be in the same room as you, without speaking, and know they're glad. I know my biggest fear. I partially live it everyday. I'm deathly afraid, I'm going to be alone forever. And everyday that goes by the same, I feel like I'm being pulled down with a weight and a rope, in a bottomless lake...everyday is another few inches of water I can't get back up through, smothering me, burying me alive, waiting to watch me die in anguish. Every girl this happens with, I spend the next few days losing hair, I'm stressing myself, over things that need to be relaxed, and those particular days are like adding more weight to that rope, I just sink faster, like every girl I mess up with, reduces my chances of being happy, almost as though there's only enough people out there for me to count on 2 hands. But I KNOW there's more out there. thats why I want to move out of here. Its too small. I think a larger city gives me a better chance. of forgetting this pain if nothing else. In calgary I can go to school, train, work, hide in my house and bury myself in the company of my family and nephews and neice. The last few bits that keep me happy. We'll see what happens I suppose.
I should let you all (all being the potentially.....2 people who ever read this) go in peace. Have a good whatever-part-of-the-day it is. Try not to be emo like me. Trust me, it doesnt pay off.
posted by brokenhalo76 at 7:28 AM
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